


To the stars and beyond

by SofieChappell



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Titanic Fusion, Angst, Cheating, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family Issues, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Smoking, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-19 12:58:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 24,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11313885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SofieChappell/pseuds/SofieChappell
Summary: The ship of dreams, they called it. It certainly was for some. For Alec it was the embodiment of his worst nightmares. It would be one more step towards his loveless marriage and he will be stuck in close proximity to his mother for days.But he will hold his head up high and be a good son, no matter what.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I’m going there.  
> The fic is going to be sort of following the general plot of the movie. To what degree? We’ll find out as we go.  
> As always, please remain wary of tags and warnings.  
> Also fair warning, Lydia is going to be a somewhat negative character here, but not as bad as the asshole in the movie, I promise.

An unnumbered crowd flocked to the docks. It was to be a historic day, and the weather seemed to agree. The Titanic was sailing off on its maiden voyage, so of course it attracted thousands of curious gawkers, who combined with people saying goodbye to their beloveds made it seem like there wasn’t enough room to slid a needle in-between the spectators.

And that was all, of course, not counting the boarding passengers and everything they took with them.

The chaos and the hurry were almost palpable. People running here and there, lines of cars filled to the brim with chests and suitcases, staff desperately trying to shield first class passengers from the third class ones. The noise was deafening and as much as Alec dreaded setting foot on that bloody ship, after waiting in the car for so long he really wanted to simply relax for five minutes in the silence of the quarters that awaited him.

He hoped for a gust of fresh air when the car door finally opened, but it seemed like stuffy atmosphere was just a property of the whole area. The docks themselves seemed devoid of oxygen, an unusual occurrence given the vicinity of the ocean that should bring with it an invigorating breeze.

Alec fidgeted with his collar, wishing he could unbutton it.He exited the car and looked up at the infamous vessel, hoping to be overcome with its grandeur and miracle of its engineering. In reality, it was quite disappointing. It was a ship, a big one, yes, but Alec didn’t see anything special about it. Nor did it make him feel anything other than empty loathing of what it symbolized.

“I don’t see what the fuss is about. It doesn’t look any bigger than Mauretania,” he scoffed. He was too tired from the whole process of getting there to care about how rude he was.

“Don’t be absurd, Alexander. It’s breathtaking feat of engineering, it’s your fault you never bothered learning to appreciate that,” his mother was charming as always. She quickly turned to the poor boy that came to help them with the rest of their luggage, criticizing his every word and action.

“Oh, just wait until you see our quarters, darling, you’ll change your mind in no time, they are absolutely perfect,” his fiancée chimed it then, joining them and hooking her arm under his. “I’m sure you’ll love it.”

Alec cast a glance on her and forced a small, agreeing smile onto his lips. He knew Lydia meant well, he really did, but that changed absolutely nothing. There was nothing on this god-forsaken Earth that could make it better really. A loveless marriage, a failing family business he had no interest in inheriting, and he wasn’t even going to start thinking about his parents crumbling relationship that took its toll on everyone. Honestly, the only good thing that was going to come from this voyage is that he would get to see Jace at the end of it.

Oh, how he missed Jace. He hadn’t seen his sweet adoptive brother for almost two years now, he realized. He had left to become a Marine and there wasn’t a day when Alec didn’t long for his company. They send each other several wires, but they were all short and vague since they both knew Maryse probably had someone reading them and reporting back to her. They really didn’t want her to know what was Jace’s true reason for crossing the ocean.

“Alec!” his thought were suddenly cut short as he found himself with an armful of an overexcited young woman with a unbelievable amount of luscious dark locks. Somehow, he made it to his rooms without even registering it. Lydia slipped her arm out and stepped aside to let them hug properly.

“Hello, Izzy,” he replied, tugging her close and revelling in the comfort she offered. She went to board the ship in the wee hours of morning, to make sure everything vital was there. “How is it going?”

“Thankfully, they managed not to lost anything actually important or belonging to Mom, so we should be fine. I still haven’t located that painting I wanted to show you, you know, the one Lydia bought me last week, though. But we’ll have more than enough time for that. Come, let me show you your bedroom, it’s spectacular!”

Alec let himself get dragged along, half listening to Izzy’s babbling about all the stuff she want to try and do during the cruise in-between all those crazy social calls mother has planned for them. That was his reality now.

He didn’t know when exactly it started, but it was definitely around the time when mother started pestering him more and more about finding himself a well-off bride and restoring the family’s honour and stature. Maybe it has been the day when Maryse pushed that old ring into his hand and told him to go become a man; or maybe when he had fallen on his knee in front of Lydia during one of those pretentious dinners and she had said yes with an annoyingly wide smile on her face; or maybe soon after that when she had tried to kiss him for the first time.

All he knew is that he felt like he was floating through time and space, present but just barely slipping by, putting on a mask suitable for the event. Obedient son, caring brother, loving fiancé. He could be all of those things while in reality he was nothing but an empty shell.

He hasn’t even felt any pull or movement when the Titanic finally started moving. He only became aware of the fact that they already left when he glance through the window and saw the docks moving past them, seemingly faster every second. He would weep for everything he left behind if he still knew how to. Instead, he kept his perfectly trained soft smile on his lips and hoped to be too busy to reflect on what his life has become.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unbeta'd  
> follow me on tumblr @[sofiechappell](http://sofiechappell.tumblr.com)  
> kudos and comments make my day


	2. Chapter 2

The bar felt unbelievably sweaty even though there were only a few customers. Not that it was any surprise, it was still before noon after all. There were a few shady individuals discussing probably even shadier matters, three night-shift workers who came to relax after work, and one snoring vagabond at a far end of the counter.

The sweaty feel and smell were probably his fault.

Magnus let himself cast a glance at his opponent in front of him, keeping his face completely straight while he did it. A single bead of sweat was rolling down the man’s temple, but other than that he was unreadable. The other man, the one sitting right next to him, was an open book, and Magnus could clearly see this round wasn’t going to play out in his favour.

Next to him, Ragnor sipped on his beer. When he realized Magnus was looking, he straightened his index finger for a moment and quickly tapped the glass two times. So he had nothing.

Magnus casted a glance at the pile in front of them, eclectic collection of metal and paper. All their money. All their opponents’ money. The tickets. Crumpled, stained, third-class tickets for the Titanic. He still couldn’t believe they made those men bet them.

Well, it’s sink or swim now.

“Showtime, gentlemen,” said Magnus.

The second man shivered and visibly shrunk in on himself before laying down his cards. “Nothing.”

Magnus glanced at Ragnor.

“Nothing,” he said, barely concealing his fury.

The man in front of Magnus smirked victoriously. He kept eye contact with Magnus, clearly savouring the moment. “Two pairs,” he said, putting cards on the table with a sarcastic flourish.

Magnus gulped. “That’s... good,” he paused, watching as a winning smile bloomed on his opponent’s face. The man even moved to scoop the pool, but Magnus stopped him with a lazy motion. “Or rather, well, it _would_ be good, should there be no comparison, as it often is in life.” Magnus smirked, enjoying this dramatic moment probably a little too much. The flourish with which he laid down his cards was maybe his most ornate yet. “Full house.”

The world seemed to freeze for several seconds, as all men tried to process the situation.

The stern man growled and for a second Magnus was afraid they would have to fight for their rightful prize.

“You idiot. You thick-skulled, rat-faced moron, why did you bet the tickets?” he turned to his companion, who shrunk in on himself even further and tried to mutter what was probably supposed to be an apology, but Magnus no longer cared.

“Come on, Ragnor, let’s conquer America! Adventure awaits!” Magnus was sure the grin on his face will become painful very soon.

“The adventure maybe be waiting, but the Titanic certainly isn’t going to,” said kindly the bartender, coming to help the other two men resolve their issues in a way that didn’t threaten the well-being of his bar. “It’s leaving in five.”

 _Shit_. They quickly pulled as much money as they could from the table, blindly stuffing their pockets. Ragnor gripped their tickets tightly in one hand and pulled Magnus with the other, swiftly moving towards the door.

As they were crossing the threshold, Magnus stopped, jerked free from Ragnor’s clutch, and turned around in a way more elaborate motion than strictly necessary.

“Gentlemen,” he said, loudly enough to even wake the sleeping man at the bar. “It’s been an unspeakable pleasure meeting you, but alas, the New World is calling. I must bid you adieu. Farewell, good souls, and may you-"

“Oh, come now, this bar is no Globe,” growled Ragnor, but by then even he could barely conceal an ecstatic grin. "That ship won't wait until you get your daily dose of dramatics." He pulled Magnus through the door hand and they ran.

Getting through the crowd at the docks was highly unpleasant and barely possible. Normally, Magnus would have complained about being forced to get up close and personal with so many sweaty bodies, or at least made some inappropriate comment that would make Ragnor groan about the cruelty of the fate, but there was no time for that. Titanic was literally leaving at that very moment and if they spared a single second for banter, they would have to swim across the Atlantic to get to America.

"Wait, wait, we have tickets," shouted Magnus as they both ran up the ramp. He pulled the tickets from Ragnor and now he was holding the piece of paper somewhat haphazardly in his outstretched hand. He prayed for his cat-like grace not to betray him now, when barely several centimeters made all the difference between boarding the ship and having an unpleasant bathtime in the murky waters of the harbour.

The man at the door inspected the ticket for what felt like a century, until he moved aside and prompted them to jump in. The door closed right behind them and they stood there for a moment, catching their breath, with grins wider than they thought were possible.

The thought that it was real still didn’t really sink in. They boarded the Titanic. They won the tickets and now could start a new, better life halfway across the world. They were free to shape their life in any way they pleased. _They made it._

"Shall we go find our luxurious cabin, my dearest cabbage?" Magnus offered his arm.

"I can't wait, my sweetest turnip." Ragnor hooked his arm through Magnus' and fluttered his eyelashes so hard it looked like a medical condition.

Magnus threw his head back and laughed.

 

* * *

 

The cabin was, well, not actually luxurious. Two bunk beds on either side, small table with two chairs and an unbelievably tiny window were not exactly the best comforts the world had to offer.

One of the bunk beds were already taken. The man from the top jumped down as soon as he saw them come in.

"I'm Lewis. Simon Lewis." He shook their hands a bit too energetically. He gestured towards the man on the bed."This is Raphael, my master- uh, I mean- as in, I am an apprentice at his shop, not anything, um..." he blushed and started giggling to cut himself off. The man on the bed grunted and turned the page of the book he was reading, pointedly ignoring the whole situation.

"I'm Magnus, this is Ragnor."

"Peachy! I'm so excited for this trip, I haven't been outside Britain in my life. And this ship is so spectacular, I was speechless when I saw it for the first time for like a minute, and..." he kept on talking, happy to have some more graceful listeners than his companion.

Magnus dropped on the lower bunk and closed his eyes. He has never felt happier.

 

* * *

 

As it turned out, Simon was an excellent travel companion, not that either Ragnor or Raphael would agree. He brought cards, and checkers, and an unbelievable amount of trivia about New York which he gladly shared at every available opportunity.

The day already neared the end, and the Titanic was well on the open sea, when Magnus dragged Ragnor out of their cabin and to the very corner of the ship’s bow. Somehow, miraculously, it was completely empty.

The warm air hit their faces and they basked in the orange glow of the setting sun. Magnus took a deep breath. “Can you feel it, Ragnor?”

“Yes, the air is indeed very salty, as one would expect the air on the open ocean to be.”

Magnus rolled his eyes.

“You know what I mean. Look how vast it all is. We’re just a tiniest shard of humanity thrown onto the unforgiving force of nature. Nothing actually matters, but that in turn only makes everything matter so much. And now we get to pick whatever we want to matter in our lives.”

Ragnor smiled softly at him.

“Also, well, I always wanted to do this.” Magnus pulled Ragnor closer, himself hanging by the hand from the steel rope attached to the bow. “We’re the kings of the world!”

Magnus could have sworn that Ragnor’s laughter still echoes on the ocean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everyone's settled on our little ship, time to some fun  
> unbeta'd  
> follow me on tumblr @[sofiechappell](http://sofiechappell.tumblr.com)  
> kudos and comments make my day


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Suicide attempt from the pov of the atemptee, please proceed with caution.

_Kiss a hand in an itchy lace glove._   
_Smile and nod._   
_Glance at Lydia with a soft expression on the face._   
_Add a detail to her story to look engaged._   
_Breathe_.

Alec took a sip of his coffee. It was third boring meeting with boring people over food and drinks he was forced to attend that day and it was barely after noon.

An older lady and his mother were engrossed in a conversation with a man who joined their table moments ago. Alec gathered that he was one of the engineers of the Titanic. In the minds of both women, this warranted paying him an undivided attention and showering him with compliments.

Alec took out his cigarette holder, a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. The holder was a beautiful thing, black with silver filigree details and four tiny emeralds. It was the prettiest thing he owned and the only gift from Lydia he liked.

His mother didn’t approve. She told him how unmanly that thing was, how if he wanted to smoke so bad then he should at least smoke cigars. Alec had decided that this would be the one thing he would indulge in without caring about his mother’s opinion.

As he expected, she turned to him with a short criticizing look. In turn, Alec made a show of closing his eyes and blowing the smoke with a serene expression. By that time she knew commenting on it would only cause a scene and change nothing.

Others, however, did not.

“Young man, what are you doing?” The engineer looked scandalized. “Do you not know this is how ladies smoke? Do know what it can make people _think_?”

Alec knew. He knew bloody well. This was his only indulgence and he would protect his right to it.

“Have you heard about doctor Freud, sir? His ideas about projection may be of interest to you.” A dead silence followed. Alec’s courage waned. “Excuse me for a moment.”

He put out the cigarette and stood up. His mother’s eyes were burning into his back on the way out.

 

* * *

 

“I swear to god, this ocean sun is turning me red.”

“Well, maybe then they’ll serve you as a lobster for the first class and I finally have some peace,” Raphael quipped.

Magnus ducked his head to hide the soft smile that found its way to his face. The bickering didn’t stop for the whole day and it was clear that Ragnor and Raphael were made to be best friends. Poor Simon tried to butt in many times, because it’s not like him to stay quiet for long, but was way too sweet to keep up with two bitterest people currently on the face of Earth.

Magnus’ fingers itched with the want to draw. He fidgeted with a piece of coal and looked around for someone, something, to put to paper.

A group children was playing tag a bit to the left. A little farther, four men played cards and Magnus’ thoughts immediately ran back to the previous morning, when the same thing turned his life around and brought him to this place.

His eyes flicked up to the upper deck. Several gorgeously dressed men and women were talking in pairs or small groups, enjoying the soft warmth of the spring sun. They seemed to completely ignore the very existence of the lower deck, so he could stare at them as long as he pleased. Magnus considered drawing a few of them, when a sudden movement diverted his attention.

A man strode to the railing. Magnus’ breath hitched. He was the most gorgeous man he has ever seen, with dark hair, strong jaw, and a tux that flaunted his amazing physique. He leaned onto the railing and closed his eyes, trying to calm himself down.

Golden sun rays warmed his pale skin, bringing life to his tired features. The frown on his forehead softened as his chest rose and fell in much calmer rhythm.

Magnus knew he should look away. He shouldn’t be staring, at a first-class passenger nonetheless, but he couldn’t help himself.

The man opened his eyes. They were looking straight at one another.

The world around dissolved into a dull mist, as if existing only to give them a plane to meet on. The man’s lips parted, softening his face even further. Magnus felt a shiver going down his spine. His heart was being harder than ever before, harder than he thought was possible. He felt drawn to that man like a moth to the flame. He wanted to hear his voice, no doubt deep and silky. He needed to get close enough to find out what colour his eyes were. He wanted to know if his touch would be as electrifying as his stare.

And then a gorgeous blonde woman, dressed in a lavish cobalt dress, tapped the man’s shoulder. He turned towards her, breaking whatever connection they seemed to have. She spoke, her hand never leaving the man’s arm.

“Magnus, no.” Ragnor’s voice cut into Magnus’ world.

“No what?”

“I know that stare. I know what it means,” he was whispering into Magnus’ ear, way closer to him than he was before. “He is a rich boy, you know how they are, and…”

“I was just looking for something to draw, there’s nothing...” he trailed off, glancing at the man again. He let the woman peck at his lips and they walked away, not sparing a second glance at Magnus. He forced down the emotions churning inside him. There was, after all, nothing.

“Magnus...”

“Leave it, Ragnor.”

 

* * *

 

Alec had to fight the urge to fiddle with his bowtie. He knew it was tied perfectly - tight enough to give him the crisp, sharp look of the upper class gentleman, but not tight enough to obstruct breathing in any way. Still, his fingers itched to touch it, to angle or loosen it.

He kept his hands entwined in his lap.

Laughter erupted around the table, so he curved his lips automatically.  He didn't hear the joke. He heard so few things these days.

"So, you two lovebirds are getting married as soon as you step on the American soil," a woman said to Alec. Her name was Jocelyn, he thought. He wished he could recall any more information about her that his mother whispered into his ear as they approached the dining room, but the only thing etched into his mind was her last warning hiss of _"behave"_ before she put on her mingling smile.

Alec refrained from humouring the woman, instead taking a sip of the disgustingly sweet wine the crew paired with tonight's dessert. "Oh, young love is so heart-warming, wouldn't you say so, darling?". she took his response as bashfulness, because she turned to the man who was presumably her husband with the widest smile. He grunted somewhat agreeingly. He was bald, short and at least ten years older than her. Alec thought he was an asshole.

"Have I told you the engagement story already?" Lydia chimed in. When the woman shaked her head, Lydia started weaving the story, making it sound romantic and charming.

In reality, their engagement was anything but that.  Well, technically Alec did get on his knee and waxed poetic for a minute or two, but it was less pouring his heart out because he couldn't keep the love in any more, and more nervous stumbling to remember the speech his mother prepared for him a week earlier. And yes, the ring Lydia was now showing off was indeed a precious family heirloom, but mother only agreed to it in hopes of softening Lydia's heart even more. And maybe because they couldn't afford any new diamonds at that time.

"I'm- Excuse me," he said, standing up. His head was spinning. " I need a bit of fresh air." Everyone was staring at him. In the corner of his eyes, he saw Isabelle moving to stand up as well. "No need, Izzy, I'll be fine on my own. I'll be but a minute." He hoped he was at least a little convincing. Enough to make mother feel like making someone follow him would be inappropriate. He bowed his head slightly and moved to make his way across the room.

It was unbelievably huge for a dining room on a bloody ship, and full to the brim with round tables garnished with copious amounts of food, porcelain, and glassware. Alec focused completely on avoiding bumping into those or any of the stiff but surprisingly quick on their feet waiters.

The cold, salty night air hit his face, finally, finally clearing his head a little. Alec started to realized how ridiculous he was being, overreacting like that. His mother will tell him off later.

Sudden wave of emotions washed over him, and it was more than he left in months. He bit his lower lip and bowed his head, hoping nobody was looking at him at the moment. Disgust and self-loathing filled him and he let them, because at least then he felt something. The was nothing else in stock for him, he thought. It was all there was in the future: only numbness or hate aimed right at himself. He thought about the wedding day. He could see Lydia in some pretty white dress, hair in a complicated updo, smiling at him from under the veil. His stomach turned. He imagined himself holding her in his arms as they danced for the first time as a husband and wife, and later, much later, as they spend their first night together.

He threw his head back, feeling nauseous. He forced his eyes open, hoping the night's sky would substitute the images in his head, but that didn't happen. Opening eyes only made them so much more real.

Alec run.

He had no idea when he was running or what was the goal, but putting his body in motion was something he could do, stark contrast to, well, literally anything else in his life.

He didn't care that there was probably someone staring at the man dashing across the deck in a fancy tuxedo. He didn't care that he may ruin said tuxedo or that it pulled awkwardly, constricting his movements. All he cared about was adrenaline finally pumping through his veins and cold wind smacking his face.

When he finally reached the stern, Alec dripped the railings and tried to even out his breathing. With everything that went down in his life, he almost forgot how delicious the physical activity feels. He looked at the ocean, at the horizon, where England was left behind. He took in the vastness of the water and emptiness of the night air as the high from the run dripped from him, allowing that hollow feeling to crawl right back in.

_You could jump._

The thought surprised him at first. He didn’t want to do this… Did he?

He made peace with how his life was, how it would be. Everything in his life, for as long as he could remember, was being about what’s proper, what’s good for his family’s name. He didn’t spare much thought to what he actually wanted. Those fleeting thoughts scared him enough to bury them deep, deep down below layers of polished behaviour of a proper gentleman.

He was almost sure no proper gentleman should want to jump into the dark expanse of the Atlantic.

_No one would know. It will be over before anyone can do anything._

And there was no one around to scold him for not being the proper gentleman.

Alec scrambled over the railing, the tuxedo again making all movements twice as difficult as they should be. The propellers below were churning the water deafeningly, producing white, messy waves as their trail.

_You'd be free. From your life, from your family. From yourself._

The iron bars were freezing cold on his back and in his hands and they didn't seem to warm up from his body heat. Alec wondered if he had any body heat left. Maybe he didn't. Maybe he was as dead on the outside as he felt inside. Maybe jumping would be just a formality.

Alec closed his eyes and consciously inhaled, focusing on how the salty air felt filling his lungs.

Freedom was one small step away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unbeta'd  
> follow me on tumblr @[sofiechappell](http://sofiechappell.tumblr.com)  
> kudos and comments make my day


	4. Chapter 4

“Please, don’t.” 

A silky, deep voice came from behind Alec, close enough to be audible without being a shout, but definitely not close enough for the speaker to be able to physically stop him. Yet, it seemed to be enough for Alec's usual persona to kick back in. It was as if a switch in his brain was activated by knowing he was being seen. The emotions weren’t pounding under his skull anymore. Nothing was pressing him to take action. Everything got duller, bleaker. He couldn't jump. After all, that didn’t become a well-raised boy like him. 

A prickly shiver went down his spine. Someone was there. Someone has seen him. Someone has seen him in such a state.  _ Please, please, don’t let it be someone who knows my family,  _ he thought. While Alec couldn’t jump anymore, he couldn’t face the consequences of this situation becoming a common knowledge. He didn't want to imagine the hell his mother would turn his life into after ruining their reputation like that.

“I know how you feel. I also know you didn’t believe that.” The voice was a little closer now, soft and gentle. Everything about the tone was designed to calm and soothe. “But I really do. I’ve been there. And whatever it is that brought you here, it will pass.”

“It won’t.” Alec’s answer was raspy and quiet. It was also automatic, as if his hopelessness needed to be voiced, no matter his will. He had no idea why he should be engaging in that conversation with the stranger behind him. If anything, it would only make things worse once this was over. It would be horrific enough for him if the man spread rumours about Alec standing on the edge of the Titanic in the middle of the night. He really didn't need to know any juicy details about Alec's mental or emotional state to spice it up.

The man took a deep breath. “I thought the same, one night on the Pont de Tolbiac, what now seems like lifetimes ago.” Alec shivered again. If he didn’t realize that neutral, controlled tone was there to soothe him, he would be horrified by the man mentioning something like that so casually.  “I was wrong. I couldn’t possibly be more wrong. Please, give me a hand.”

Alec turned his head. The expression on the man’s face was serious; his dark eyes opened wide, full of raw honesty. He had his hand outstretched towards Alec, his fingers a mere few inches away from brushing Alec’s. His dark hair flopped gently on his forehead, framing his angular face. His skin was golden and glistening. Alec couldn't decide if it was the strange lighting of the deck lamps or if it was just how his face looked naturally. Either way, it was a beautiful beacon of hope. 

And then there were his clothes. They were peculiar and colorful, dazzling just like the rest of him. The burgundy jacket emphasized his broad shoulders, a sparkly tassel guided the attention toward his strong legs. He was ornate and breathtaking, but clearly not looking like someone from his mother’s social circle. A huge weight was taken from Alec' chest at this realization.

It must have been a while now and Alec was gaping at that man without uttering a single word. He turned back to the ocean. He felt nothing of what drove him here anymore, all washed out by the all-encompassing wave of shame that he was so weak, so fragile. So unable to handle the simple reality of life. 

He needed to do better. He needed to  _ be  _ better. Alec looked at the man again and nodded. "Okay," he whispered, and it felt thin. 

A soft smile curved that man’s lips and lit up his eyes. He took two steps and put his hand on Alec’s left one, twining their fingers together. A warm wave travelled through Alec's body at the contract, leaving goosebumps in its trail. 

He slowly turned his body, his fancy dress shoes were way too slippery for making sudden movements on the lacquered decks. Once he was fully facing the ship once again, the man took his right hand properly. Alec had had his hand squashed by overly masculine men way too many times in the past. This man's grip was strong and steady, yet gentle. An offer, a reassurance, an anchor even if Alec felt like keeping with a theme. And then the man put his other hand slightly above Alec's waist for extra support and balance. 

Alec froze. That completely innocent action send his heart racing hard in his chest. He couldn't focus on anything other that this little bit of warmth against his ribs. He wanted to lean into it, to feel more of it. It felt silly and inappropriate in every way possible.

The man stared at him, awaiting an action. Alec forced himself to shake off those feelings and concentrate on the task at hand. He would try to process that not entirely unpleasant stirring in his stomach later.

He slowly brought one foot up and stepped tentatively on the first bar of the railing. He pressed his foot forward on it until the slight heel of his shoe was propped against the bar. Once he was sure it would be steady enough to hold him, he lifted the other foot.

A bone-chilling scream tore out of his throat when he lost his footing. His right arm felt as if it was pulled out of his body.

He was dangling above the open ocean, held up only by his saviour's grip on his arm. 

It felt almost ironic that he would in fact die in the dark depths of the Atlantic, right after he decided against just that. 

He didn’t scream anymore and he didn’t thrash. His muscles turned lax in a quiet acceptance.

The pull on his arm intensified. The stranger gripped his arm with his other hand as well and tugged harder. Alec couldn't comprehend it. He was doomed, wasn't he? There was no way this man could haul him up on his own.

It wasn't until the decks appeared in his line of sight that he realized he wasn't actually going to die.

He forced himself to move, coiling and contracting his muscles, trying to find purchase against the stern with his legs. 

This was all the help the man needed. Alec was standing once again against the railings. "Put your arm around my shoulders," the man said as his right arm wormed itself around Alec, holding him close. The left one followed suit after Alec put his on the man's shoulders, resting on his waist. The position was awkward and uncomfortable, but felt safe. His breath was scolding againsts Alec’s neck. He was sure he was repaying in kind.

The man hoisted Alec up, providing extra support as he tried to cross the railings one more time. Alec had no idea how long it took: on the one hand, there were only five bars and he crossed them fast from the other side. On the other, it felt like he spent ages pressed into that man, his heart beating hard in his chest; whether it was from the stress or the closeness, Alec could not tell.

The momentum of him crossing the top bar overbalanced them, sending them right onto the floor, still holding onto each other.

 

* * *

 

Well, if anyone told him his first evening on the Titanic would include talking a man out of jumping into the ocean, tugging him back up on the ship after he almost fell off, and end up laying on the deck with said man on top of him, both panting, Magnus would have laughed in their face. 

And yet, there he was. The man's dark hair was a mess, sticking out in all directions. Magnus had to fight the urge to comb his fingers through it in a soothing gesture. He settled on keeping his arms wrapped tightly around the man, both his thumbs massaging little circles into his back.

The man moved his head so he could look at Magnus. “I- I have seen you before...” His voice was breathy, barely audible. He was shivering uncontrollably in Magnus’ arms. _I want to protect you._ _It’s so unreasonable, but I want you to be safe_ , Magnus found himself thinking.

He couldn't actually recognize Magnus, could he? Magnus had been sure he would never forget that spectacular man he saw on the upper deck, but why would that man pay any attention to Magnus? Yes, they made eye contact, but why would he remember Magnus' face? 

That wasn’t about his self-image. He knew damn well he was attractive, a little too well if someone were to ask Ragnor. But Magnus heard enough rich people sneer how all poor people looked the same to them—and enough white people saying the same about those of Asian heritage—to assume he was as good as invisible to that man. 

“I’m Magnus,” he whispered in lieu of an answer.

“Alec.” His parted lips were so close to Magnus he could feel the man’s breath on his cheek.  _ His eyes are hazel _ , Magnus noted. When he daydreamed in the afternoon about finding out their colour, he didn't imagine these circumstances.

“Alec! Good god, Alec!” A woman’s shriek cut into the silence that surrounded them.

Two women in exquisite dresses were running towards them. They scrambled to their feet, Alec still clutching onto Magnus as he tried to find his balance. When he stood straight on his own, and the physical contact broke, Magnus felt as if something was missing in his life.

"What is  _ that _ ?" The older woman's voice was unpleasant to say the least. It was screechy and cold, the disdain and reprehension hiding right behind the civilized facade of her stature. The blonde woman he saw before -  _ fiancé _ ?  _ wife _ ? - stood by Alec's side, hand on his arm, looking at him carefully. She seemed to be trying to figure out what was happening all on her own.

“I... slipped.” Alec let a questioning note slip into that sentence.

“You slipped,” the woman parroted. 

Alec winced, but spoke more surely then. “Yes, mother, I slipped. I came here to get some fresh air and I looked over the railing to watch the…” He made a vague gesture with his hand.

“The propellers,” Magnus supplied, hoping it won’t make anyone overly suspicious.

“Yes, that, and I almost overbalanced, but then Magnus–”the man stumbled over his name, and Magnus could have sworn he blushed a little–“he stopped me from falling over, but then I slipped and we fell.” 

This was a weak explanation by any standard, and the woman Alec had called mother definitely didn’t buy it. Before she managed to protest, however, the blonde woman spoke, her tone insinuating that she wanted the whole situation to end as soon as possible.

“I’m glad you’re fine, honeybear.” She kissed Alec’s cheek, tip-toeing a little to reach his face. Magnus would later try to tell himself it didn’t feel like a punch in the gut “Let’s get you somewhere warm, all right?” Alec nodded, this time blushing for sure. “We’ll see to it that you are generously rewarded, mister...?”

“I’m Magnus Bane.”

“Mister Bane. Thank you for your assistance,” the mother chimed right back in, her lips tightened even more. She reached into a small purse hanging from her shoulder. "Is twenty enough?"

The only thing that could be heard was the wind. Magnus blushed, ashamed. The dismissiveness and sense of superiority in her voice were a weapon and one she wielded expertly. Before he scrambled together an answer to save what was left of his dignity, Alec spoke.

"Is this the current rate for saving the life of your eldest son?" His tone was harsh and unyielding, unlike anything Magnus heard him use. “That’s good to know.”

"Alec." The way she uttered it made his name sound like the worst insult. They stared at each other in silence, before the woman conceded with a tiny twist of her head. "Very well. Mister Bane, would you do us the honour and join us tomorrow evening for dinner?" The smirk on her lips was downright predatory. "We would love to get to know Alec's saviour better."

Magnus knew he should refuse. Find a nice excuse, say he was grateful but has to take care of imaginary kids of an imaginary sister or whatever, but the idea of spending an evening next to Alec was too tempting. In that moment, he didn't care that the invitation was intended to be yet another insult, an opportunity to embarrass Magnus. "I'd love to."

"Splendid. Now we'll bid you good night, sir." With that, she swiftly turned, pulling both Alec and the blonde woman with her.

Magnus forced down the feelings churning in his stomach as he watched them walking away. Ragnor was right after all, rich boys were always trouble. Judging from everything he has seen, this particular boy was at least three times more trouble than usual. 

He knew what those silly butterflies in his stomach meant. He knew they never ended well for him, even when starting circumstances were better than these. And these were downright catastrophic. 

There was no chance in hell for anything more and he wouldn’t allow himself to hope otherwise. He would go to dinner tomorrow, get a closure and leave early, and forget any of it ever happened. This was the only reasonable thing to do. And of course Magnus was capable of being reasonable.

All the work he done to cool down those feelings was undone when Alec glanced back at him with a soft smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so we finally had The Meeting, I hope you liked it!   
> _where do we gooooo from here..._
> 
> unbeta'd  
> follow me on tumblr @[sofiechappell](http://sofiechappell.tumblr.com)  
> kudos and comments make my day


	5. Chapter 5

His dreams were an incoherent jumble of dark eyes and strong hands that night.

Alec woke up breathless and disoriented. The pinkish light of the sunrise has already crept its way between the curtains. He was stuck, hanging in the limbo between being awake and asleep, unable to tell which is which. The dreams felt more visceral than real life has been for a while now. They were intense, emotional, and grounded. They resembled some of his memories from years long gone which time didn’t turn brown or fuzzy. From way back when he was still looking forward to the future, still full of hope and childish excitement at the beginning of each day.

Last night changed something in Alec. As much as he was scared to admit that, meeting _Magnus_ , albeit fleetingly, changed something in Alec.

It didn’t make things better per se, no, he thought as he made his way through his morning routine. But his mere presence somehow made it all a little more bearable. His words gave hope, his smile shone bright. His touch made Alec want to explore possibilities of more. He was like a torch; a singular source of light and warmth that made it easier to bear the freezing cave that was his life.

Somehow, it was helping. Magnus tethered him back to this world, effortlessly giving him a reason to leave the bed in the morning. Alec could get through that awful breakfast with whatever pretentious pricks his mother wished to entertain that day, because after that he had over an hour of free time and he can go look for Magnus and maybe they will talk some more, walk around a little, maybe Alec will get to see him smiling wide. That must be a magnificent sight.

It should feel silly, thinking all those things about a person with whom he spent ten, maybe fifteen minutes, and exchanged just as few words.  And in a way it did, but all the other feelings overrode it. That was more important to him.

“Good morning, sweetheart,” said Lydia as she came into the room. She was already dressed and made up, her hair styled to perfection. Alec sometimes wondered if she ever slept.

He wanted nothing more than to ignore her, or better yet, tell her to leave his room. Instead, he half-listened to her recounting all the meetings she had planned for the day, only focusing on things that would be requiring his presence. He was glad to notice that there seemed to be nothing planned for him until late afternoon. It was unexpected, but pleasant, fitting into his plans of finding Magnus.

“One more thing, Alec.” He looked up at her. She looked somewhat bashful. “I have a gift for you.”

She motioned her hand to guide Alec’s eyes to a side table nearby. A simple wooden box laid there.

“Open it.” Lydia’s eyes glistened with excitement.

Alec did as he was told. Inside, there was a gorgeous necklace, an intricate long silver chain holding a huge dark green gemstone. Alec trailed his fingers on the cuts, fascinated by the way they reflected light. He could look at it for days and never get bored. It was the prettiest thing he saw in his life.

"Do you like it?" Her voice reached it him as if from far away.

Alec turned to her. "Lydia, it's beautiful, it’s so beautiful, but I can't—"

"Shush, of course you can take it. I want you to have it." She came to his side and planted a soft kiss on his shoulder. "I had it for some time. When I first saw it, I couldn't stop thinking how the gem would compliment you eyes. I had to buy it. Please, Alec, take it."

Guilt gnawed on Alec. Lydia was an amazing woman: ferocious, witty, generous, and objectively gorgeous. He believed she deserved the world, and hated himself for knowing he could never give it to her. Sometimes he thought she knew. He caught her several times gazing at him with a deep sadness in her eyes. She was always the one to talk about their relationship to strangers they needed to charm, coming up with countless romantic anecdotes. She learnt to keep her distance after first few very awkward attempts at tender moments.

That only made Alec hate himself even more.

 

* * *

 

To say that he was shocked when Alec came looking for him would be an understatement. Magnus pretended he didn't see Ragnor's warning expression when the man suggested they should take a walk.

They strolled down the deck. Alec stuck out like a sore thumb in his pristine suit among third class passengers. They were both silent. Alec gnawed on his lower lip. “I— I wanted to thank you," he finally said. His voice was soft and quiet and he kept his eyes on the floor.

"You're welcome." Magnus took a deep breath. He hoped he wasn't about to overstep the boundaries but he needed to say it. "But I hope you will never need my services again," he suggested gently.

Alec let out a short embarrassed chuckle. “I certainly hope so too.” He glanced at Magnus, eyes darting all over the place. “I know how this must look to you, a spoiled rich boy thinks he has actual problems—”

Magnus stopped in his tracks, swiftly moving in front of Alec. He brought his hand up in a shushing gesture, but he didn’t touch Alec’s lips. Alec crossed his eyes, trying to focus on his finger. Magnus’ heart lurched at the adorableness.

“No, Alexander. I told you last night I understand and I really do. I know this doesn’t have to have anything to do with things that are visible at first sight.” Magnus shot Alec a comforting smile. “There are many things that can eat a man from inside, no matter his surroundings.” Alec looked away. “Besides, and pardon me for being this forward, but it didn’t look like you had the most supporting environment.”

Alec gnawed on his lips before answering. “My mother… she isn’t warm or fuzzy, as you noticed. It all comes from a good place though, and a complicated one. You must know—”

Magnus held up a finger and Alec quietened instantly. “Before you say anything more, let me make it clear that I don’t need any explanation from you. You can share whatever you want to, and are welcome to do so, but don’t feel in any way obligated.”

“I know.” Alec smiled and Magnus’ world felt a little warmer for it. “But I want to. I don’t know, maybe it’s silly, but I think talking about it may be helpful?”

“It’s not silly, and it is in fact very helpful to talk to an outsider. Different perspective and all that.” So  Alec talked. He talked about their parents’ failing business and their failing marriage. He talked how he used to be the golden boy until Jace came along. How suddenly he could never be good enough. How he tried and tried and tried and didn’t know if he loved Jace like a brother or hated him like one.

Magnus didn’t stop him. He didn’t ask for anything more than what Alec gave freely, but kept looking at him intently, making sure Alec knew he was listening. When he trailed off in a finishing manner, Magnus considered it all for a moment. "Who is the blonde woman who was with your mother yesterday, if I may ask?"

Alec was clearly surprised by the question. "Lydia? She's my fiance."

Magnus' mouth twitched. _Of course_. "Congratulations. You're a very lucky man." He smiled politely.

Alec looked away. "Yeah, I'm lucky indeed."

Magnus frowned. "What is it Alexander? Are you unhappy with her?"

"No, no,  I'm not—  It's not—  It's a... solid partnership." He swallowed with difficulty.

“What about love, Alexander? Do you love her?” It was a harsh question, Magnus knew. He also knew he had no right to the answer. Alec looked down and bit his lower lip so hard Magnus was afraid he would draw blood.  "Money does not make you immune to falling in love, I’m sure you know that.” He crossed the line and he knew it, but he couldn’t help himself.

Alec looked Magnus in the eyes and the endless sadness visible there took Magnus’ breath away. “I always knew that love is the one luxury I could never afford.”

His lips trembled slightly, like he tried so hard to remain composed. Magnus had to fight the urge to take him in his arms and never let go. This gentle soul didn’t deserve any of what life has thrown at him.

Alec cleared his throat, breaking the moment. “So, what do you have in there?” Magnus eyes followed his gesture and he found himself looking at his sketchbook. His first instinct was to grip it tighter. He was particular to whom he showed his drawings. He shared them with the models, if they wanted, and closest friends only. Showing them always left Magnus felt raw and vulnerable. But then he changed his mind.

"Here, have a look yourself," he said, handing it to Alec. It felt weird, but Magnus thought he could trust him. First, Alec just shared his life story with him; this is the least Magnus could do in return. But Magnus has also felt like Alec would understand. He would see how much they mean to him, how much of himself he pour into them, and he would appreciate it. He would be gentle with this piece of Magnus’ soul.

Alec raised his eyebrows, as if he didn't believe Magnus would let him changed the topic so easily. Or as if he didn't think Magnus would let him see the contents.

He took the sketchbook and sat on a  nearby bench. He opened it gently, his long fingers grazing the leather cover with reverence. Magnus couldn't tear his eyes away from Alec. His eyes were sparkling with a mix of surprise and appreciation as he took in Magnus' drawings, page by page.

“See, this is Tessa, I drew her a long time ago, before I went to Paris, but I love this picture and I can’t part with it. She was a dancer in a club in London, still is, I think. I met her on such a rainy night.” He wasn’t sure Alec actually heard what he said. His eyes were glued to the pages, lips parted in silent reverie.

"Magnus, those are amazing," he whispered.

"Thank you, darling." If the endearment brought a slight blush to Alec's cheeks, the next drawing turned them completely crimson. A little _oh_ tore out of his lips.

Magnus glanced at the sketch. Oh yes, Marius. The drawing shown him laying on a couch, eyes closed, a content smile on his lips and not a single piece of clothing on his body. Magnus remembered that day; the drawing and everything that happened after. He smiled at the memories.

Alec made a string of unintelligible sounds and half-words. Magnus took pity on the poor thing. "That's the beauty of Paris. All of the most amazing clothes in the world and lots people more than willing to take them off."

Alec made what had to be an agreeing sound and turned the page. If he wanted to change the theme, he was out of luck, and would be for quite a lot of pages. This drawing was of Florentine, just as content and naked as Marius. Page after page of naked bodies, soft and at peace. There was nothing more beautiful than someone completely comfortable in their own skin, and nothing better than helping people feel like that.

"You seem to have a lot of French... friends," muttered Alec, still blushing furiously.

Magnus stifled a giggle at his choice of words. “Yes, I do, darling. French people are quite friendly, I have found.”

The conversation died down after that, but Magnus found that he didn't want Alec to go, not yet. There was a budding fondness for that man in Magnus' heart. He was sweet, gentle, and unbearably and unjustly sad. A little voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like Ragnor told him to stop. To say goodbye and then go with his plan of bullshitting the excuse to not go to that dinner.

"Want to walk around the deck one more time?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, yes, I'm know it's been centuries since the last update and I'm SO SORRY for that. Lots of future chapters are already written or mostly written though, so I will be posting the story regularly from now on. I'm thinking weekly updates on Monday? Yay/nay?  
> unbeta'd  
> kudos and comments make my day!!!


	6. Chapter 6

Alec couldn’t get those pictures out of his head. He tries to, desperately. There is something about them that struck a chord inside him. They looked happy with themselves, accepting and loving all of what made them _them_. He never felt like that, ever, in his life, not that he could remember. He made his peace with it, as much as one can make peace with such a thing. His would be the life of gloom and misfortune and there was nothing he could do about it.

He understood those people, on some level, understood why they seemed so happy and relaxed in those pictures. There was something about Magnus, an air of infinite love for humanity, life, world, that made him so easy to talk to, so easy to trust completely. When Alec was with him, he felt as if a chain around his chest was broken and he could breathe easily. 

“Why are you going to the States?” he blurted out and chastised himself immediately. It’s none of his business, as always. How could he have lived for over twenty years and still not learn to keep his mouth shut, as it should be, he didn’t know. When he blinked, he could see his mother’s disapproving face beneath his eyelids, though, he supposed, what he just said wasn’t the only thing she would be judgemental of.

Magnus giggled. He tried to stifle it, but it was an honest to god, mischievous giggle. “Oh, honey,” broke off, getting his breathing under control before continuing, “this is actually a really good question, but I afraid the best answer I can give you would be – _because._ ”

Alec frowned. He should have known he had no right to ask, but Magnus’ answer was still weird. And rude.  “Oh no, don’t make that face, I didn’t mean it like that,” said Magnus, a kind smile on his lips. “I only said that because I actually don’t know. Ragnor and I won the tickets in a game of poker about ten minutes before the ship was supposed to sail off.”

A flat _what_ tore out of Alec’s throat before he could think better of it and Magnus laughed, clear and loud. The sound was intoxicating enough that Alec couldn’t focus on his blunder. Instead, his head became void but for one thought: _I wish I could hear it for the rest of my life._

 “I’m absolutely serious, darling. It happened and we just went with it. It’s not like we had anything tying us to England, anyway.” There was a wistful tone to his voice as he finished speaking. “How about you, Alexander?”

“We were in England to take care of some family business stuff and we’re just going back home. Well, it wasn’t only business, we were there to take Lydia back to the States with us.”

“Take her back?”

“Yeah, we sort of grew up together in New York, then her father got transferred to London, but we kept exchanging letters through the years and lately we decided we should get married.” There is a gnawing need inside Alec to explain the whole situation to Magnus, why – he did not know, or preferred to think he didn’t.

“Childhood sweethearts, how adorable,” said Magnus, his tone sweet and polite, but his eyes were full of challenge. It pained Alec how well this man, whom he only just met, could see right through him, how he went through all of Alec’s walls like a wrecking ball and then had an audacity to call him out of his bullshit.

Alec cleared his throat. It was safer, albeit rude, to ignore the comment. “So we are going back, and after the wedding my father will want me to take over the business,” he said and then added hastily, “It’s not fancy, not really.”

“There’s nothing about you that isn’t fancy, Alexander,” said Magnus with a smirk. Alec felt himself blush, a wave of warmth rolling down his body. He bowed his head and turned his lips into a small smile. He knew Magnus was looking at him closely; he hoped he would understand Alec’s feelings without him having to voice them out loud.

Alec’s good humour died instantly when he turned corner and saw Maryse. She was surrounded  by two  other women who looked just as judgemental and stuck up as she was.  The fury flickered on her face when she saw them before she schooled it back to neutral politeness.

He didn’t want to approach her with Magnus by his side, but he didn’t have any other choice. At least he could be the one to start in on some good foot and control the damage at least to some degree. He put one step more of distance between himself and Magnus, pulled his features into his customary mask of a good son, and braced himself.

“Oh, hello, Alec. What a nice weather for a walk! And I see you found yourself a companion.” The way she said that last word was so full of venom he was surprised she didn’t turn into a viper right then and there. His mother looked at Magnus like he was an insect. A filthy, nasty insect she can’t want wait to crush under the heel of her expensive shoe.

“Yes, Mother, I was just thanking Magnus again for his assistance the other night.”

“There are no words that can express our gratitude for Mister Bane’s heroic action indeed. I was just telling my friends how I am looking forward to tonight’s dinner and getting to know my son’s saviour a little better.”

The awkwardness was palpable between them, making the air a bit heavier, making Alec’s palms sweat a little bit more. He wished he was brave enough to break it, to walk away and go back to the ease of time spent with Magnus and Magnus alone.

“Well, it’s time for us to go, I believe. It was lovely talking to you, Lady Loss, Lady Ballard.” She bowed her head politely. Alec took it as a sign and offered her his arm.

“See you this evening, Magnus,” Alec said breathlessly as he was about to turn and walk away. Magnus smiled at him, eyes gentle. He really didn’t want to let that boy down, but he also couldn’t do it.

He watched them walk away, no longer aware of other people surrounding him. He knew he was being ridiculous and that no matter what, Ragnor can never know about it or he will never let him live it down, but he couldn’t help it. He was drawn to Alexander, and while it might have been partially blamed on his irrational need to fix other people, it was more than that. He decided to fool himself it was not hopelessly one-sided, even if there was nothing that could be done about that.

Dreams never hurt anyone, right?

“Wait,” a woman said before he could spin around and leave with as little dignity as he still got left. She was gorgeous, tall and domineering but with a soft smile directed at Magnus. Her dark skin glistened in the sun. “Are you going to that dinner dressed like that?”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he answered hastily. He wanted to, of course he did. But there were some things people like him never did: dinner with the first class was one of them.

“Trust me, I know just how insufferable those people are, but come on, are you really going to pass on all that free food and drinks? Or opportunity to ogle that handsome little thing you were walking with?”

Magnus opened and closed his mouth a few times, struggling to find a response. He didn’t know where to start or how could she have seen right through him. He knew he wasn’t the subtlest human on Earth, but hopefully he wasn’t so bad that it looked as if he had a neon sign over his head proclaiming his crush on Alec.

“Come on, let me help you. I think one of my boys is just about your size.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unbeta'd  
> comments and kudos make my day!


	7. Chapter 7

Alec’s hands got disgustingly clammy when he was stressed which only stressed him even further. He was certain his bowtie was stained or his cuff ripped and he looked like a fool, no matter how ridiculously long time he had spent in front of the huge mirror in his cabin. It was exciting to pick out his best clothes and put them on, making himself as fancy as he can be. But now, the enthusiasm is gone, replaced with painfully tight stomach and those bloody sweating palms.

“Relax, Alec, your dashing hero will do amazing,” said Izzy with face-splitting grin. She has been teasing him since she walked in on him preening in the mirror half an hour ago and didn’t believe for a second it was just for himself.

It was annoying, sure, but on the other hand he was relieved he could say something, anything, about Magnus to another person.

He remembered that scary evening years ago when he came to her and told her how he has never felt anything when looking at a woman but that he had shivers when a handsome boy in college put an arm on his shoulders and smiled at him. He was so frightened back then but she only pulled him close and said it is going to be okay. It wasn’t, of course it wasn’t, and they both knew it rationally, but it wasn’t about that. She has been his confidante since then, his life line when the monsters in his head became a little too scary.

He was about to shush her when a movement caught his eye. He looked towards the main entrance just in time to see Magnus come in. He could only hope his gasp wasn’t too audible.

He looked magnificent, pure white shirt contrasted with his skin; the high collar emphasized his exquisite Adam’s apple. His dark hair was slicked back with one stand falling down on his forehead a little playfully, giving him an air of mischief. His eyes were still lined with a little bit of kohl, shining unbelievably in the light of the thousands of bulbs in the hall. He looked like a god like this, untouchable in every way, but then he smiled at Alec in his warm, crooked way and he was human again, only the most perfect one that has ever existed.

He said a few words to the woman he came with, the one with whom he had seen his mother in the afternoon. She answered and Magnus let out a small laugh before they parted ways. He was making his way towards him and Alec found himself frozen, unaware of the passage of time.

“Aren’t you going to introduce me?” Alec looked blankly at her. She turned to Magnus with a sparkling smile. “I’m sorry, my brother is an idiot. My name is Isabelle, but call me Izzy. I’m so excited you’re coming to dinner with us tonight!”

“I’m Magnus, and trust me, the pleasure is all mine. May I say, this dress looks divine on you!” He pressed a kiss onto her extended hand, but he kept eye contact with Alec while he did it.

“He’s a charmer indeed, brother,” said Izzy and nudged Alec with her elbow. He glared at her, but there was no real heat behind it. She just grinned wider. “I must leave you for a moment, I see someone I would like to have a word with, see you back at the table.”

The air felt thick between them, the silence palpable in a way that was neither comfortable nor agonizing. Alec licked his lips. “You look—very magical,” he said huskily, stepping a little bit closer.

“You don’t look half bad yourself,” answered Magnus with a playful lilt to his voice. “But I must say it is all Catarina’s doing... I mean Lady Loss’,” he answered, trying not to show how much Alec’s appreciation meant to him.

“I will make sure to congratulate her on her great work then.” Alec couldn’t help the grin on his face.”Let’s go.”

They walked in, side by side, hands so close they were brushing each other more often than not. No one paid them any attention, for no one had a reason to. For a few breaths, they were in their own reality.

They stood a bit off to the side and Alec bowed to whisper gossip in his ear. It clearly was something he knew lots about and what entertained him immensely. He talked about people’s jobs, those they did openly or less so. He spoke of unseemly affairs and family dramas. He took pleasure in pointing people who were pretending to be best friends right at this very moment, but in reality they hated each other guts and everyone was silently betting on when will they finally snap.

Magnus heard maybe a half of it. He was still stunned by how amazing Alexander looked that evening, but now his hushed voice was in his ear, he could feel a trace of his warm breath on the side of his head. His imagination was running wilder than ever

“What are you two up to, boys? Don’t you know it’s rude to whisper naughty rumours about people you are about to dine with?” A woman’s voice broke into their little bubble. They turned to see Catarina, a mischievous smile on her lips. She extended her hand to Alec. “I’m Catarina Loss, Lady of Idumea. I don’t think we were formally introduced.”

“Alexander Lightwood. At your service, madam.” Alec kissed her gloved hand and Magnus could feel the green-eyed monster stir in his belly against his better judgement. “Magnus mentioned the favour you did him. I am most grateful for it.”

“Oh, don’t mention it; it was a pleasure to play dress-up with this handsome man. But I’m glad you like it,” she teased.

Alec blushed lightly and opened his mouth a few times before finally found his words.  “Are you joining my family for dinner?”

She was, as it turned out. And for a while, it seemed like the affair may go well, despite the gloomiest forecasts. The introductions and appetizers were nice enough, everyone too caught up in exchanging standard pleasantries to cause any commotion. Then, however, the hunger was sated and the company turned curious which meant interviewing the newcomer. Magnus was asked about his family, his home, his job and when he struggled to find the vaguest of answers, Alec watched him and hurt for him. When another woman couldn’t take a hint and probed him further about how he made his living, Alec broke. “Magnus is an artist, actually,” he butted in. “I saw some his works today and they are truly exceptional.”

“Honey, I love you, but we all know your tastes are somewhat peculiar,” Lydia laughed and most of the table joined her. Magnus had an urge to play with his ear cuff but with his hand halfway to his ear he remembered he didn’t wear it then. “No offense to you, Mr. Bane.” Magnus swallowed and forced himself to smile at her as nicely as he could.

The conversation went back to the more usual topics after that, money, business, juice gossip. Magnus leaned to Alec. “If you feel like salvaging this evening, meet me in fifteen minutes in the main hall?” he whispered and Alec shivered with excitement. Magnus put on his polite smile, stood up, thanked them for the pleasant evening and bid the company good night.

A quarter hour has never felt so long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unbeta'd  
> comments and kudos make me the happiest person on earth!


	8. Chapter 8

Magnus forced himself to focus on the intricate details carved into the railings of the staircase as he waits for Alec. The dinner went better than could be expected, really, but it didn’t mean Magnus wasn’t hurt. He knew who he was and he wasn’t ashamed of any part of it, not even these ones those snobs have no idea of, but still, having them thrown in his face with such disdain had him a little shaken. And then he went and asked Alec to ditch what was left of the dinner for him.

He felt Alec’s eyes on him the entire evening. He is practically certain he read the situation right. But he knows there is a huge chasm between thought an action, especially considering the circumstances. It would be complicated enough if either of them was a woman. This—this is madness.

Magnus was hardly ever accused of being reasonable.

He heard his name and turned and Alec was there. He still kept his posture stiff, but he looked way more relaxed than he did at dinner.

“So, where are we going, mister?” asked Alec and Magnus’ heart skipped a bit at how flirtatious that sounded. He dismissed it and cleared his throat.

“I want to show you how to actually have fun on an evening like that. It’s only fair I show you something from my world, too, isn’t it?” Alec grinned at that. “You should lose the bowtie though, if I am honest. And maybe the fancy jacket, too.” Because it’s really hot down there. And because Magnus never knew when to stop himself.

 

* * *

 

They descended into the hustle and bustle of the third class. It was chaotic and so, so warm, but for Alec it felt like a first breath of fresh air. Nobody knew him there. Nobody cared about who he was. And no person who knew him knew he was there either. He was free to be whoever he wanted to be for a few hours.

Magnus pulled him towards the bar through the crowd and motioned for the bartender to come take their order. “What do you want?” he asked Alec.

“I don’t know. Whatever you are having?” Magnus smirked in return and Alec thought it meant trouble for him, but he placed an order without question.

Two simple glasses appeared in front of them, amber liquid swirling in them. Magnus took his and tipped it towards Alec before he took a sip. Alec repeated the gesture with a grin, but when he took a sip, the moment was destroyed. He choked on the burning liquid and started coughing aggressively. Thankfully, no liquid got out. Alec couldn’t even imagine how horrifying it would be if spat all over Magnus. However, his eyes watered and he must have gotten red all over the face, so it’s not like he was making good impression either.

At first, Magnus looked at him concerned, but then he realized what happened. “Never had scotch before?” He was giggling through his words.

“Not really, I—I think I remember trying it once, I was little and my father left his glass unsupervised. I didn’t understand why grown-ups would torture themselves so.” Alec huffed out a laugh.

“If you want I can get you something else—” Magnus started waving to get the bartender’s attention back.

“No, no, it’s okay, really!”

“Are you sure? It’s no problem—”

“Believe me, Magnus, it’s fine,” he asserted and took another sip. He kept his face under control this time. It didn’t taste any better but at least he knew what to expect.

Magnus looked at him with one eyebrow raised. He was clearly trying to keep a grin off his face, but he dropped the topic.

The silence fell between them and Alec’s eyes turned towards the dance floor. It was at the centre of the room, slightly raised and crowded as hell. Dance there was unlike the one he was expected to perform on some social occasions. It was chaotic, spontaneous and purely _fun_. People bumped into each other, stepped on other’s toes or were completely off-beat... but still they were all grinning and enjoying it in a way Alec almost forgot dance was supposed to be enjoyed.

And if his heart skipped a bit when he spotted several same sex couples, well, nobody needed to know.

“See anything you like?” teased Magnus. Alec gaped at him, torn between many inappropriate answers. “Oh, I understand. Our dancing offends your good-boy sensibilities, doesn’t it?” Magnus asked, lifting an eyebrow.

“No, no, it’s fine, it’s—”

“Don’t worry, I wouldn’t dare to ask you to dance. I doubt you’d be able to keep up anyway.” Magnus patted Alec’s arm in mock comfort.

“I beg your pardon? Of course I would.”

“I don’t believe you,” said Magnus, barely able to contain his laughter.

 “It’s on, Magnus.” He downed the rest of the contents of his glass and started walking away. After few steps, he turned around with a smirk on his face and an outstretched arm. “What, you coming or not?”

Magnus couldn’t help but think of the man he met barely a day ago on the stern. That man was depressed, broken, hopeless. Now he was pulling him onto the dance floor with a crazy grin on his face, ready to dance and have fun like tomorrow didn’t exist. It was such a striking difference he wasn’t sure it was the same man.

Magnus banished those thoughts - they didn’t do anyone good.  Instead, he focused on the heat of Alec’s palm in his and the building excitement of dancing with him.

They reach the dance floor. As they stood face to face, Magnus put his hands on Alec waist, gripping tightly. “Put your hands on my shoulders,” he shouted. It must have made its way to Alec’s ears, because he complied. When Magnus was sure their grip on each other was tight and secure, he pulled to turn them clockwise. Alec went along easily. They started spinning and gaining momentum.

Alec was fumbling with the steps in the beginning, clearly used to more regular and rigid dances, but he quickly began catching up, losing himself in the rhythm. His hands were gripping tightly onto Magnus’ shoulders, so hard in fact he fully expected to find bruises there in the morning. He didn’t really care.

They danced for a song, and then when another began Magnus wanted to let Alec go, but he tugged at him and shot him a pleading look, so they dance through another melody. “So, how did I do?” Alec panted when the song finished and they went off the dance floor.

“Decent enough, for a fancy boy,” he answered, just as breathless. He looked at Alec, all red cheeks and mussed hair, and he wanted to kiss him, badly.

Alec grinned at him in return. “Yeah? Let the fancy boy show you something then.”

He bent over and started unlacing his shoes furiously. Magnus watched him with growing fondness as he struggled to get them off. He kicked them off a bit to the side and then took his socks off too.

He has straightened up, looked Magnus dead in the eye, and then rose up on the very tips of his toes, perfectly on pointe. It must have been painful and hard, but Alec made it look effortless and graceful. He shot Magnus a smug smile, but his triumph was cut short by a little girl with bushy hair Magnus saw on the lower deck a few times before. She was running around, playing with her newfound friends, and she bumped into Alec.

He lost his balance and Magnus saw in almost slow motion as his eyes went comically wide and his arms flailed around in hopes of finding purchase before the inevitable happened and he fell inelegantly ahead. Magnus’ arms must have been running on autopilot; they were extended and ready to catch him without a single conscious thought in his head.

Alec landed right there, sweaty face plastered to Magnus’ shoulder. For a breath, they were in their little bubble, Magnus relishing the warmth of Alec’s firm body against him. Then, Alec shuddered. And then again, and again, and again. Magnus called out his name, soft and worried, but Alec paid him no mind. Magnus tugged on his shoulder, and when Alec pulled away, Magnus saw there was no reason for his worry. Alec was laughing, a stray tear was falling down his face from the force of it. It was so joyous and carefree Magnus found himself joining in, both men lost in the most pleasant madness, clinging to one another for dear life.

Alec was still in his arms when he managed to get the laugh under control enough to speak. “Mother had us all learn ballet when we were kids; even Jace, after he joined our family, though he hates when it’s brought up,” he chuckled. “Apparently it teaches girls to be graceful and boys to be disciplined. But it also makes for a mean party trick.” Alec grinned up at him with unabashed pride.

Magnus felt himself falling against his better reason. He didn’t care all that much.

 

* * *

 

Magnus insisted on walking him to his cabin and Alec was not foolish enough to pass on more time with that spectacular man. They walked slowly, close but not really touching, and it made Alec’s skin tingle. It would be so easy to move his hand an inch or two and touch Magnus’ one, hook fingers with his, feel grounded and guarded from the rest of the world.

But he couldn’t and he shouldn’t. It was to be one more thing he fantasized about when the hours of the day went by too slow.

“Alexander, thank you for tonight, it was great.”

“Thank _you_ , too, for—for everything.”

Alec extended his hand and Magnus took it and squeezed it gently. He didn’t let it go, he looked at it intently. He turned it slightly so that the back of Alec’s hand faced up. He caressed it with him thumb absently. “I’ve wanted to do it all evening,” he whispered. “Can I?”

“Do what?”

“Kiss your hand,” he said, like it was easy, like it was nothing. Like Alec’s world didn’t shake and crumble.

Alec’s _yes_ was a little more than a huff of air, but it was all Magnus needed. He bowed slowly towards his shaking palm. The first touch of his lips set Alec’s entire body aflame. He had to bite his lips not to moan at the sensation—he was pretty sure it wasn’t an appropriate reaction. Not that there was anything appropriate about this situation. It was so simple, a small point of warmth, the faintest trace of wetness—and yet it was everything. When Magnus looked up, Alec was sure he saw exactly how much this affected him—his lips were parted, his cheeks were surely looking as if they were on fire.

“Goodnight, Alexander,” said Magnus, turned on his heel, and left, leaving Alec stunned frozen in the hallway.

Well, if he could barely rest with last night’s dreams, Alec would rather not think how little sleep he was actually going to get that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that happened! what do you think?  
> unbeta'd  
> comments and kudos make me walk on air


	9. Chapter 9

Alec freaked out his maid that morning. He was humming the tune from last night, already up and about when she came to help him start the day. Minnie she was called, and she had worked for his family for over seven year now, and she certainly hasn’t seen him half that cheerful in all that time. As she fussed about, he was biting his lips to keep from grinning. He really didn’t want to raise anyone’s suspicions.

Even the sight of Lydia in their small dining room didn’t dampen his mood. Their idle chat over breakfast was never his favourite activity, but that morning it didn’t feel like such a bother. Granted, half the time him mind has been replaying a particular minute of last night, over and over again, so he wasn’t really listening.

“Alec, one more thing. This behaviour of yours needs to stop immediately,” she said, finishing her cup of coffee.

He furrowed his brow. “What are you talking about?”

“You were on the lower deck last night, drinking and dancing with _that_ _man_.” At least she made an effort to hide how she really felt about Magnus, something that could never be said about Maryse. It wasn’t a very successful effort, but an effort nonetheless.

“You are spying on me?” Alec didn’t know why he was surprised. It was perfectly in character for her, as well as for his mother. He probably had several pairs of paid eyes on him at all times.

“It’s for your own good, Alec, down there is—” She put a hand on his, but he tore it away.

“How dare you?” he said, stunned breathless.

She did that thing with her face she always did when she thought he was being silly. It was minute and indescribable, but Alec was fine-tuned to see it after receiving it for so many times. “Alec, you know it isn’t easy for me either. This— You—”

“I’m so sorry I’m not _easy_ for you, Lydia. I’m so sorry that I’m messed up and that I’m _me_. I can’t change it. Believe me, I fucking would if I could.”

“Alec, I didn’t mean—” She tried to interject but he was having none of it. The dam was broken and there was no stopping him now.

“You did. You know you did, don’t lie to me. We both know what _this_ it and why we are doing this. There is no use for any more lies, is there?” Alec took a deep breath. He felt tears pooling in his eyes and blinked furiously to keep them at bay. “I think I’m full. I’m going to my cabin now to rest. Have an enjoyable morning. I will see you for lunch.”

When the cabin door finally clicked behind him, he couldn’t breathe. He clawed at the polished wood, trying to fight purchase, forcing his lungs to work again. The world spun, his eyes stung and there was only one word he could think.

_Stop_. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

 

* * *

 

He couldn’t even find solace in his books. He kept staring at the words on the page but they didn’t make any sense to him. He couldn’t escape to his memories, either. He knew now he wasn’t completely safe and anonymous then and it somehow tainted them. They didn’t give him joy anymore, they were embarrassing. He couldn’t help but wonder – where there eyes on him in that hallway as well? Lydia mentioned only the lower deck, but he didn’t really give her an opportunity to spill, did he?

“Alec, here you are!” Maryse’s shrill voice cut into his bubble. He barely got his eyes up from his book and mumbled some greeting, hoping she would just talk at him for a minute or two and then walk away to whatever shady business she had next on her itinerary.

She tore the book from his hands and kept it locked in her hand as she sat down on the chair next to his. “You will not see him again, Alec.” He froze on the spot, the complaint about taking his book stuck halfway through his thoat. No, not that. He couldn’t handle talking about that with his mother. Maybe not ever, but definitely not now.

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” he tried, without much hope.

“Don’t play dumb, Alec, it doesn’t become you. That silly, penniless _artiste_.  I will not hear another word about you consorting with him.”

Alec’s head was spinning. He became hyperaware of the steady movement of the ship, and it made him nauseous. Maryse’s hands were clawing at the hardcover, not hard enough to leave lasting marks, but enough to make Alec want to yell at her for it. Her nails moved in a steady, heart-like rhythm and Alec used it to time his breaths. He can’t lose it, not now.

“You know the game,” she continued, unaware of her son’s state. “You must uphold the Lightwood name, you must bring this family back into the position we deserve and for that, you _must_ marry Lydia.”

“I know, mother,” he choked out.

“I don’t think you do, since you choose gallivanting with that rat last night over family business. I told you we need Lady Loss’ investment if we are to—”

“I _know_ , mother.”

Maryse squinted at him. “Then act like it. We are meeting with Mr. Andrews today, 2 pm sharp. He is a potential investor. I will _not_ be disappointed by that meeting, is this clear? _”_

“Absolutely.”

She left the book on the side table by the door on her way out. Alec couldn’t discern if it was deliberate or an afterthought, but it didn’t matter. He didn’t have the energy to get up and get it back. He sat in his chair and looked ahead, observing the slow rolling of the ocean’s waves behind the glass, feeling as if the time turned back to molasses it was a few days earlier.

 

* * *

 

“Mr. Andrews, forgive me if I’m being too particular here—” Alec could see his mother’s frown in the corner of his eye, but he proceeded nonetheless “—however,  I can help but notice that, if my math is correct, there are way fewer places in the lifeboats than there were supposed to be passengers on board?”

The meeting took a sharp turn when Mr. Andrews offered them a person tour of the ship, apparently eager to peacock his craftsmanship in front of them. He talked about rivets and alloys for what felt like hours. He may even be a kind man, a delightful conversationalist if one is interested in ship-making, but not only it wasn’t Alec’s topic of choice—he didn’t want to be there at all.

“You are right, Mr. Lightwood. There is enough space for only a half of them to fit in. I didn’t plan it like that, exactly, but the investors wanted more space on deck for passengers to enjoy, just as we do now, and well, there isn’t exactly a need for lifeboats on unsinkable ship, now is there?”

Maryse laughed politely at that. “My thoughts exactly, sir,” added Lydia. “Even those ones seem a bit redundant, if you ask me.” She gestured elegantly in the boats’ direction.

“I deeply believe that what you built is truly an unsinkable miracle, Mr. Andrews. My Alec here is just a big old worrywart, always has been.” She took the man’s arm. “Now would you mind showing us the machinery? I find this technology fascinating!”

Someone grabbed his arm and pulled hard. Before he realized what had happen, he was in a small, empty room which purpose he could not discern. He heard a door closing. Before him stood Magnus, all gleaming smile, rosy cheeks and messy hair. “Hello, Alexander. Long time no see,” he teased.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for this  
> unbeta'd  
> kudos and comments make my heart flutter <3


	10. Chapter 10

Alec’s lungs were not big enough for the breaths he needed to take. Magnus was right there in his space, shining brighter than the sun, and Alec _couldn’t breathe_.

“I hoped we would talk,” Magnus purred and stepped even closer.

“No.” It came out of Alec’s mouth sudden and rough. “We can’t, _I_ can’t.”

Magnus frowned and took a step back, but kept his hands firmly on Alec’s shoulders. “What is it, Alexander? What happened?”

“Nothing _happened_ , Magnus. I’ve just remembered things,” Alec paused, bracing himself for the blow he had to deliver Magnus. “I am engaged to Lydia. I can’t—And that is not even the biggest problem, is it? Look at us, Magnus, one could hardly find two people so unlike each other.” Magnus winced as if slapped.

“Alexander, whatever happened to you, it’s not fair, but don’t push me away because of other people keep hurting you.” Alec tried to interject, but Magnus shushed him with a gesture. “No, let me say what I need to say. I saw you that night, standing on the edge of the ship, Alec. I know how much the lies you have to live hurt you. I-I can’t stomach the idea of you stepping on a similar edge ever again. I care about you, deeper than is reasonable after so little time.”

“And so what?” Alec knew he wasn’t playing fair, but he had to do it.

“What do you mean?”

“Say we continue... whatever _this_ is. What then? You know what people think of it. And I wouldn’t be deciding for me alone. I would lose my career, my life, yes...But I would drag my loved ones with me as well.”

“Alexander,” Magnus whispered, tears pooling in his eyes. Bile rose in Alec throat. Part of him hope Magnus would lose it, slap him, maybe at least yell at him. He knew how to handle somebody’s anger. He couldn’t handle Magnus destroyed hope and joy.

But he had no other option. “I have to think about my family, Magnus. They are the most important thing in my world. You cannot ask me to forsake then.” He knew Magnus would never ask this of him. He was way too good for that, too caring, too selfless. “I can’t, Magnus. I wish I could—” He made a vague gesture with his hand. “I’m so sorry.”

The door slamming behind him covered up the sound made by Magnus’ breaking heart.

 

* * *

 

It didn’t feel like he was at sea, but more like ten feet below the surface. His movements felt slowed down and sluggish, and the sounds should not reach him this distorted, he was sure. He went through the motions of two social teas already, but the feeling didn’t fade away as it always did, back to the usual crystal clear numbness.

It held on, and whenever his mind wandered back to Magnus, it strengthened.

He saw him then; a little boy, not much older than his own brother Max, dressed up to the nines in a constricting tailcoat, pressing his lips tight and keeping himself perfectly still and taunt. And his mother, sitting right across from him, watching him, _judging_ him.

It was a vicious circle, he realized. He didn’t know why it took him so long. Generations upon generation, each forgetting their early years and making their successors as miserable as their elders made them.

He didn’t want to be a part of that. Social change takes more than one silly young boy, but it didn’t mean he had to blindly follows in his parents’ footsteps. And he was not going to.

 

* * *

 

“Magnus!” He turned around. Alec was standing there, cheeks reddened. He must have run there. “Magnus, I need— I must—” He was choking on his words. His body looked tense like a pulled spring, ready to snap at any moment.

“Come here.”Magnus outstretched his hand towards Alec. A warm wave went down Magnus’ spine when he finally took it after a beat. He pulled Alec towards him and the man offered no resistance.

“Ragnor told me I will find you here,” he whispered. “Magnus, I’m so so—”

“Hush.” He manoeuvred Alec so that he was standing in front of him. Magnus pressed into Alec’s back, delighting in its firmness and warmth. He smelled like expensive perfume and menthol cigarettes. Magnus run his hands up Alec’s arms, squeezing gently.“Can you feel it? The wind, the freedom. It’s like flying, Alexander.” Magnus’ hands made their way towards Alec’s. He took them gently, twining their fingers together. When he felt certain Alec was alright with that he pulled, bringing them up together.

“Magnus…” His whisper turned broken. Magnus hoped he wasn’t crossing a line too far, but he couldn’t stop himself. He wanted Alec and everything that man could offer him. He wanted to give, and give, and give. He wanted to be Alec’s anchor, Alec’s sanctuary, Alec’s crutch. He wanted Alec to be all of those things for him.

“Feel it, Alexander. Feel everything.” Alec was shaking in his arms. He must be scared to death about being seen like this with Magnus. But he wasn’t protesting. He made no move to free himself. On the contrary, he leaned in, giving himself up to Magnus. He tipped his head a little so their cheeks were pressed together.

“I wish I could feel like this forever.” Magnus felt Alec’s whisper with all his body. He felt the jaw moving and the tremble of his vocal cords. It was as if they became one. But before he could answer, Alec turned his head and looked at Magnus. His pupils were blown wide when he dropped his gaze on Magnus’ lips.

Time stopped. The noise of the waves dissolved into barely audible hum. The world was reduced to their shared warmth and the pink plumpness of Alec’s lips.

Magnus had no idea who moved first. But then Alec’s lips were on his and Magnus felt as if he was reborn. The final piece of the puzzle fell in its rightful place. The kiss felt a little clumsy and uncertain, still searching for the right rhythm, but somehow it has been the best kiss of Magnus’ life. He never wanted it to stop.

Unfortunately, his lungs had other ideas.

Magnus pulled back and looked at Alec. His eyes were still closed, lips parted and slightly trembling. His voice was hoarse and downright pleading when he whispered Magnus’ name, barely audible against the wind and ocean. He was desperate and made no attempts to cover it up. And there was no reason for him to do so, because Magnus just as desperate. He lowered his head, indulging them both.

Alec’s lips were all he would ever need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unbeta'd  
> comments and kudos make puppies happy!


	11. Chapter 11

He kissed Magnus.

And Magnus kissed him back, deep and slow, time and time again. He held Alec close, his strong arms wound around his chest.

He _kissed_ Magnus.

This has been something entirely unimaginable even a few days ago: to actually kiss a man. It was something reserved for unbecoming dreams or tipsy late-night musings in the privacy of his own room. Not something he would actually _do,_ on the bow of a bloody ship no less.

It was as if Alec’s whole world fell into place when they finally kissed. As if somehow the world only made sense when they here attached by the lips to each other.

He kissed _Magnus_.

It wasn’t his first kiss, but it felt like it. Or maybe it was his first kiss; the first one that actually counted. It felt better than anything he felt before. He didn’t even know anything could feel this good. He always assumed descriptions in the romance books were product of author’s overactive imagination or wishful thinking.

Alec had no idea how long they were standing on the bow kissing. He had no idea if anyone saw them and he didn’t care.  He only cared about how perfectly in sync Magnus’ lips moved with his. How his every movement, no matter how small, set Alec’s entire body on fire. How his hands moved on Alec’s chest, deepening their embrace even further, making Alec feel protected and cared for.

When they finally parted, Magnus’ cheeks were flushed and his lips enticingly puffed. Alec barely had enough self control to not start kissing him again. He cleared his throat but his voice still came out gravelly. “Come. I want to show you something.”

 

* * *

 

Alec turned the key on the inside of his room. They should be safe here, for all his family knew he felt sick and decided to go to sleep early after all, but there was no such thing as being too cautious with those things. He turned on the lights and fidgeted with the weird assortment of knobs by the fireplace until the flames appeared.

Magnus stood by one of the chairs, running his slender fingers along its edge, his kohl-lined eyes following Alec’s every movement. They stood there, just looking at each other, keeping their distance, until Magnus smirked and whispered, “You said you wanted to show me something?”

“Yes, wait here,” he said and in a few long steps disappeared into the maze of rooms that was his cabin. He came back with a small wooden box in his hand; he outstretched it towards Magnus. “Open it.”

His eyes sparkled when he did. “Alexander, it’s gorgeous.” The emerald necklace Lydia gave him was inside, resting against red velvet.

“I want you to draw me wearing this,” Alec said, managing to keep his voice steady against the giddiness he left. Magnus looked at him, puzzled. As he parted his lips to answer, Alec added “Wearing _only_ this.”

Magnus’ mouth stayed open. His eyes widened almost comically and Alec had to stifle a soft chuckle. It was ridiculous how they roles have turned. Alec should be the one blushing and struggling to find any answer. “As you wish, Alexander,” he said finally. 

 

* * *

 

Alec left for the bedroom to get ready. It took him a ridiculous amount of time to get rid of his button-up shirt, his fingers slipping and shaking as he worked the tiny knobs open.

When he came back, clad only in a long silk robe, the lights have been dimmed, filling the room with soft amber glow. A small beige sofa was moved, angled perfectly to collect the light from the fireplace. In front of it was a chair. Magnus stood beside it, examining his drawing kit. When he heard the door opening, he turned his head and smiled at Alec warmly.

Alec sauntered closer and outstretched his hand once more. There was a shiny quarter in it. He spent a good moment fidgeting with it before he came out. He hoped it would ease the tension at least a little, but it also seemed very silly. It seemed like one of those ideas that sounded nice in his head but made everything way more awkward when he said them out loud. “As a paying customer, I expect to be satisfied.”

Magnus smirked. “Believe me, I know how to satisfy a man.”

_Oh no_. This was a bad idea after all, just not in the way Alec expected it to be. Because now he was wondering, imagining… And not only that - he was also _remembering_. It seemed unbelievable that he didn’t have just ephemeral scraps of his daydreams now. He had actual memories of kissing Magnus and of Magnus kissing him back.

Magnus brought up his right brow, teasing and taunting at once. “Shall we then?”

Alec nodded and walked towards the sofa. He stopped in front of it, his back to Magnus, his hands frozen inches above the knot. He closed his eyes and took a steadying breath. It was nothing. It’s just his first time being naked in front of somebody. Just him being naked in front of _Magnus_. No big deal. No need to stress.

He made quick work of the knot and let the robe fall to the floor. He was too deafened by the sound of his own blood pounding in his skull to hear Magnus’ reaction, if there even was any. The gemstone was heavy against his chest, comforting. He lowered himself onto the sofa, fighting his every instinct to shy away, to cover up and flee. It was his idea. He wanted it and by God, he was going to get it.

He finally dared to glance at Magnus. His fingers were clasped so tight on the drawing board it was a miracle it didn’t break. He looked equal parts frightened and excited.

“Magnus, tell me how to—does it look right?” Alec fidgeted.

It pulled Magnus from his trance. He gently guided Alec to a perfect position, telling him to lower his head like this and bent his arm like that. Throughout all of this his eyes didn’t leave Alec once.

“Perfect,” he finally whispered and sat in his chair.

Alec has never been that aware of his own body before. He swore he could feel every muscle, every hair even, as he lay like that in front of Magnus. His deep dark eyes kept flicking from Alec to the drawing board to Alec again as his hand moved in fast, elegant motions.

His body has never been put on display like that before. It was a tool used to get around in the world. It was a vehicle. An important, high-maintenance vehicle that he had to take care of. Not something that could inspire a work of art. Not something to be cherished.

Magnus made him feel cherished. He made him feel without blemishes or flaws. It wasn’t true, and he knew it, but it was an important feeling nonetheless. Because, for the first time in his life, he felt good enough. He felt like he could be valued for who he is, not who he should be.

It was a bloody good feeling.

The tension bled out of Alec as Magnus continued to sketch and it was replaced by warmth, whether from the physical heat of the fireplace or the heat he found in Magnus’ gaze, he didn’t know. He let his mind wander, easily slipping between memories and fantasies; remembering how good he felt, hoping for how good he will feel. And in the centre of it all was Magnus. Kind Magnus, steadying Magnus, caring Magnus... _passionate_ Magnus. He got a taste and he wanted more, the rest of the world be damned. He hoped it wasn’t too forward to hope Magnus wanted more, too.

“I think we’re finished.”

It broke Alec out of his trance. He was suddenly aware of his nakedness again, shame creeping back in. He practically pounced on the robe he discarded earlier in the haste to be decent again. “Can I see?”

“Of course, it’s you after all.” Magnus cast one last glance at the drawing and somewhat bashfully outstretched his arm towards Alec. The board was angled slightly up, so he couldn’t see the picture yet.

Alec took the picture in. It was—indescribable. He dug through all of his vocabulary and none of the words seemed to do it justice.

Finally, he settled. “It’s beautiful.” The statement was plain, simple—simplistic even. But when he glanced at Magnus, he could see that the man understood. Understood how much it meant to Alec, how it made him feel. How important it was.

If he had any doubt if his feeling were reciprocated, it was all gone now. Magnus stood up and pressed close to Alec, putting his hand on his chest. A shiver went down his spine; there was a flimsy layer of silk separating Alec’s skin from Magnus’ touch and the man didn’t want anything more than to get rid of it.

He put his own hands on Magnus’ waist, pulling him impossibly closer. He bowed his head and let his forehead rest against Magnus’. They breathed each other in, slowly nearing their lips for a kiss.

There was a knock on the door and a yank on the handle.

“Alec, open up. I need to speak with you.” The wood muffled Maryse’s voice so it was impossible to hear what her mood was, but his experience told Alec than those words coming from his mother meant nothing good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unbeta'd  
> comments and kudos give happiness to little kittens(and me)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT WARNING!!!  
> What happens in this chapter definitely counts as cheating(though lots of stuff from other chapters could count as well, depending on personal opinions), I do not condone cheating, this is a work of fiction, etc., you know the drill.   
> Also, I've decided to keep the mature rating of the fic, but there isa mildly explicit sexual content in this chapter, so proceed with caution.

“Alec, I know you’re in there, open the door immediately.” Another, more violent yank followed.

“Shit,” whispered Alec. They still haven’t moved an inch from each other, even if the moment was definitely broken.

The pounding didn’t stop. “Don’t make me go grab my set of keys, young man.” She still talked to him as if he was a misbehaving five year old. “Fine, let’s do it your way,” she said after a pause. She yanked the handle once more and then angry steps sounded in the corridor. She was about to make good on her promise and Alec wasn’t going to let it happen.

Alec asked Magnus to give him a moment and sprang into action. He hastily grabbed a pair of dress pants and a simple white shirt from where he left them on his bed and pulled them on. He didn’t waste time closing the door behind him, so when he came back to the lounge, Magnus was blushing even more and looking at one of the walls. It didn’t take a genius to figure out he was staring after Alec, but didn’t want to seem like he did. Alec didn’t mind Magnus keeping his eyes on him.

He took Magnus’ hand. “Come on,” he said and tugged the man towards the door. He unlocked it and took a careful look both ways before emerging out. He tried to ignore the heat of Magnus’ palm in his.

“Where are we going?” asked Magnus

“Away, somewhere far from here preferably,” answered Alec, walking down the narrow corridor.

Magnus grinned at him. “I must say like this new Alexander.” Alec felt his cheeks heat up, which was ridiculous after what just happened.  He turned to answer Magnus, hopefully he could make it something teasing—

“Alec, stop right now!” Maryse screeched behind them.

“Fuck,” they both mumbled as they started running. It was messy and so improper; they kept bumping into people, and the amount of noise they made would make Alec ashamed if he could still tune into the etiquette that has been drilled into him from the moment he could understand human speech.

He didn’t care. They were running, jumping down the stairs two steps at a time, and he was laughing, breathless and elated.

Why were they still running, he had no idea. There was no way Maryse could keep up, what with her elegant dress and all, not to mention the fact it would require her to _run_ , which is something she would not be caught doing, not in a million years.

But the fact is that they were and it felt amazing. It was pure freedom and Alec couldn’t get enough of it.

Magnus pulled him inside a room and slammed the door shut behind them. It was some sort of a cargo hold, full of fancy cars and carriages Alec knew first class passengers took with them on their journey to the States. The wealth before his eyes was immense. It was fascinating to look at those technological and aesthetic marvels glistening in the faint light. They made a game out of it, walking from one vehicle to the next, making up stories about its owners, about the adventures it was on, about the adventuress it was going to go on.

Magnus spotted an elegant black car off to the side, one with big windows and open driver’s space. He pulled Alec towards it and opened a door for him. Alec curtsied and got in, barely stifling a laugh. He opened the front window as soon as he was inside, not wanting to lose a single moment of Magnus.

He took the driver’s seat and splayed comfortably there. He couldn’t really turn the wheel with the car standing but he made exaggerated turning motions, like the ones that could be seen in the moving pictures. “Where to, mister?” he turned to ask him with a widest grin Alec had ever seen and, without even thinking about it, the man found himself reciprocating with one at least as wide.

Filled with unusual bravado, probably still riding the high of the drawing session and their daring escape, Alec found himself throwing his arms around Magnus’ shoulders and moving his lips close to the man’s ear. “To the stars,” he whispered as his fingers ghosted over buttons of Magnus’ waistcoat.

Magnus’ breath hitched. He turned his head so that he was looking into Alec’ eyes. His pupils were blown wide and there was wild heat behind his hazel eyes.

Alec couldn’t help himself; he lowered his head and captured Magnus’ lips in a kiss, feeling as if a ball of fire rolled down his spine. The angle was awkward and every single second they kept kissing made their necks hurt more, but neither of them seemed to care.

Finally, they pulled away, straining to catch a breath. Magnus panted out Alec’s name and Alec could feel it on his lips. “Come here.” Alec couldn’t recognize his own voice. He tugged insistently on the waistcoat. “Please.”

Magnus scrambled to his knees and then to cross the dashboard, anything but graceful, and then finally, finally, he fell in Alec’s lap and that was everything he ever wanted. Their kiss put everything back in its place. It was tumultuous but at the same time peaceful and harmonious. It was like puzzle pieces falling easily into their rightful places. Magnus moaned shamelessly into Alec’s mouth when he pulled his hair just hard enough.

They didn't have all the time in the world and they knew it. The thought of being caught was just beneath the surface at all times. Magnus didn’t care. All he cared about were Alec’s hands, tentatively exploring his back and his sides, petting and squeezing. Alec’s mouth, nipping and biting his, making him think it’s all he would even need. The first shy swipe of Alec’s tongue when Magnus parted his lips for him.

Alec’s cock, separated from his by layers and layers of fabric, but still dragging against Magnus’ and driving him wild.

It felt unreal, like a dream or an evening stream of thought going to some unexpected place. If it was anyone else, Magnus would have felt embarrassed at then sounds he made this early on, but Alec made him feel safe, loved even, though it was silly to hope so. Alec’s fingers pulled at where Magnus’ shirt went into his trousers. “Please,” he whispered against Magnus’ mouth.

With one final kiss, Magnus pulled away from Alec as much as the cramped space allowed him. He put his hands on Alec’s, making them grip tighter, and then guiding them up until Alec got the hint and pulled off the shirt himself.

He threw it carelessly to the side, instead focusing on Magnus’ bare chest. He trailed his fingers over it, feather-light and worshipful. He splayed both his hands on Magnus’ pectorals, swiping his thumbs over Magnus’ nipples. A content sound escaped Magnus and that seemed to pull Alec out of his reverie. He moved his hand to Magnus’ neck, pulling him down for a hungry kiss. His other hand made its way to his own chest, where he tried to unbutton his own shirt.

When Magnus realised what he was doing, he pulled back again and moved Alec’s hand away. “Please, let me.” Alec’s both hands fell uselessly on his sides when he enthusiastically nodded. Magnus didn’t need any more encouragement.  He made quick work of first two buttons and then he fell back onto Alec, lavishing the newly uncovered skin with kisses. Alec keened at the touch, wiggling under Magnus.

Magnus didn’t plan to go any faster. He made his way down slowly, button by button, turning Alec into a desperate mush. He has been rewarded with the most delicious sounds. Alec was clearly trying to restrain himself given the nature of their surrounding, but somewhere around the middle of his shirt he has given up all pretence and kept moaning Magnus’ name like it was a prayer and he was the most devout believer.

When Alec’s shirt has been unbuttoned completely, Magnus pulled back again, admiring the vast expanse of his chiselled chest. He did get quite a good look before, but now he didn’t have to try and hide the admiration and desire in his eyes. He dragged his fingers from the top to the bottom, taking in all the bump and caves. He throttled his desire to rack his nails into this perfect skin. It was their first time together though, and Magnus intended to make it as nice and gentle as he possibly could. He foolishly let himself hope there will be time for more.  “Alexander, you are so beautiful,” he whispered.

Alec opened his eyes. His pupils were blown wide. “So are you,” he answered with no trace of shyness. It was painfully honest and raw. Magnus couldn’t take it. He moved back up to Alec’s mouth in one swift motion, capturing his lips and hoping a kiss could convey all the emotions he felt but didn’t want to name.

“What do you want?” he asked when he finally pulled away.

Alec looked away, blushing. “I don’t— know, I’ve never—”

Oh. _Oh_. Somehow, Magnus haven’t realized how the rest of Alec’s life translated into this. Of course, it’s obvious now, why didn’t he think—

Magnus leaned down, his lips almost touching Alec’s ear as he whispered, “Do you want me to make you feel good? Do you trust me to make you feel good?”

The answer came in less than a heartbeat. “Oh, Magnus, of course I trust, oh god, I trust you, please.”

“Hush now, darling.” Magnus made his way down again, peppering Alec’s body with kisses and caresses. When he reached Alec’s fly, he looked up. Alec was deliciously flushed all over. He was breathing hard, but he kept his eyes opened wide and fixed on Magnus.

Magnus opened the button. He trailed his fingers on the inch of newly naked skin, his eyes flickering to Alec’s face for any signs of discomfort. He found none. When he finished opening the fly, he put his hands on the hem of Alec’ pants and nudged it down. Alec was kind enough to help and lift his hips.

Magnus trailed his fingers over the outline of Alec’s cock inside his underwear. Alec’s breath hitched at the contact. He moaned shamelessly when Magnus pressed an open-mouthed kiss to it.

Magnus wanted to take it slow, he really did, but Alec’s moans and Alec’s heady smell and the blatant evidence of his want were all driving him mad. He pulled at the underwear, bringing it down. Alec’s cock sprang free. It was a really nice cock, and Magnus had already noticed it while he was drawing, but it was perfect in all its proper glory.

Before Alec could prepare himself for anything, Magnus licked a stripe from the base to the tip, drawing a shout from the man in response. “Magnus!”

Since it was Alec’s debut, he probably didn’t have as much time to enjoy it as he would like to, so he took to work. Magnus pressed a closed mouthed kiss to the crown while dragging his fingers on the shaft. He took in the crown and sucked. He pressed his tongue flat to the tip, all without dropping his gaze from Alec’ face. He finally went on and took him all the way in, pressing his nose into his pubic mound.

And Alec kept making those incredible noises: little whines in the back of his throat, moans stifled by the teeth sunken in his lower lips, desperate keens whenever Magnus sucked a little stronger.

It was strange. Alec was the one on the receiving end of the blowjob, but Magnus still felt like his skin was about to explode. He couldn’t stop the moan that tore out of his throat as Alec’s hand dropped to his head. He wasn’t pulling, always such a perfect little gentleman, but he grabbed firmly a fistful of Magnus hair. A shiver went down his spine and he doubled his efforts.“Magnus, I’m going—”

He couldn’t wait. He needed to taste him, to devour him; he hoped it would be enough for Alec to forget about the rest of the world. “Magnus, I can’t—” Magnus could feel Alec’s abs tighten under his hand as the first spasms of completion overtook his body. He made a surprised, strained sound and then hot liquid was pouring down Magnus’ throat. He eased Alec through his orgasm, slowing the pace before planting one final kiss to the tip when Alec started tugging on his shoulders.

Magnus went up without protest, getting back to the face level with Alec. Eyes half-lidded and unfocused, he kept whispering Magnus’ name. “Can I kiss you?” Magnus asked.

Alec looked at him with the brow drawn together at first. Magnus could see the moment the realization dawned on his face. At that point he expected to be rejected, but Alec made a soft sound and pulled Magnus in by the neck for a bruising kiss.

There was nothing gentle about the kiss, not at the first glance. It was all hard touches of lips and intense swipes of tongues, but there was underlining softness to it, coming from a way less physical plane. Magnus couldn’t bear thinking about it. Instead he pressed closer, running his finger through the hair on Alec neck.

Alec pulled back, schooling his features into a serious expression as he spoke. “I want to— to you— Please, let me.”

Magnus pulled back and shuffled awkwardly to give Alec a little more space. His fingers were unsteady yet eager as he reached towards Magnus’ fly. He dragged his fingertips over it, barely touching, with incredible reverence painted on his face. “I don’t— I’ve never—”

“Shhh… I know, darling. I know. Just do whatever feels right. I will be right there to help you.”

And so Alec did. It took him a while and a hearty amount of help from Magnus, but he finally got it all right, the speed, the tightness, the twist of the wrist. And during all that he kept looking at Magnus like he was a marvel, a treasure, some sort of miracle. The combinations of all that was heady, so before Magnus could give Alec any warning, he found himself coming with a shout, covering his stomach and Alec’s hand with messy white stripes.

Magnus should have been embarrassed about ending it so quickly, but he couldn’t find it inside him. He felt happy and sated and cared for. He hasn’t felt better in his entire life that when Alec pulled himself back onto the seat and crowded against him to cuddle without the care in the world.

So he pulled Alec closer and wished for that moment to last forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unbeta'd  
> kudos and comments are my favourite things in the whole wide world!


	13. Chapter 13

They had to leave the car eventually, they knew that. But they prolonged their stay there as long as they could, basking in the afterglow and each other’s soft caresses, playing oblivious to the rest of the world. There as a confrontation coming their way, Alec realized that, but they were going to claw as much careless time together from the harsh world as they possibly could.

Watching Magnus stumble around trying to get dressed again was caused a special kind of giddiness to bloom in Alec’s gut. It was such a stark contrast to the smooth seducer that took him apart moments earlier and it made him think about how many sides of Magnus there were, how many he could discover and how amazing it would be to fall in love with each and every one all over again.

It wasn’t just the post-coital high speaking; he knew what he felt for Magnus was love. They relationship was fast and messy, but he wouldn’t have it any other way. It shook his world to its core and then brought utter peace to it. If that wasn’t love, Alec didn’t know what could be.

They stumbled back out on the deck, giddy and carefree, letting their fingers graze together as they walked until Alec gathered his courage and grabbed Magnus’ hand. He knew what onlookers would think of it; he couldn’t care less. He knew what he wanted and he could have it. He would nothing and no one stop him.

He pulled Magnus against him and cupped his cheek. All of the stars reflected in his deep eyes and Alec prayed to be the one that gets lost in them until his last breath. He leaned down to kiss him, but he never reached his destination. The entire ship shook and they both grabbed at each other to stay balanced though it. The excruciating sound filled the air, so jarring Alec could feel all of his hair bristle.

He turned to see a gigantic iceberg moving towards them, sprinkling the deck with deadly ice splinters as it went. He felt Magnus tug at him and he went willingly, both of them hiding behind one of the benches and observing the situation through the planks.

It came and it went, leaving an icy trail in its wake, and after a while both the sound and the trembling ceased, filled in by an eerie silence. It was nothing, it had to be nothing, Alec reasoned with himself. Wasn’t he told that this ship was unsinkable like a million times before he even boarded it, and then another million once he was already there? Nothing bad was going to happen, nothing bad _was allowed to_ happen, not when he finally found one good thing in his life.

The loudspeaker on the wall awakened with a screech and a distorted voice boomed, “There has been a security incident. All passengers must go back to their cabins immediately and await further instructions there. Stay calm and move in orderly fashion. More information will be provided soon. I repeat, there has been a security incident...”

Alec looked at Magnus and found him looking right back. He could see how scared he was, and how he was trying to hide it from Alec. They were still grasping at each others’ arms and it was incredibly grounding.

“You must go, Alexander,” whispered Magnus with no conviction, “and I must too.” The mood was flipped on its head; what felt like an exciting beginning now felt like the most bitter end and Alec wasn’t going to accept that.

“I’m not going anywhere without you.” Magnus’ face fell, and Alec could see how his statement caught the man off guard, but then he schooled his features back in.

“I’m serious, Alexander, go. We’ll follow the instructions and everything will be just fine. We’ll see each other soon enough, I promise.” With one last squeeze of his arm, he got up and left for his quarters.  Somehow Alec knew it broke both of their heart equally.

 

* * *

 

His cabin was blessedly empty when he got there, so he busied himself with tiding up or, more accurately, erasing all the evidence of his and Magnus’ time there, pushing all the furniture back to its original places and most importantly, hiding Magnus’ drawing in a wall safe that provided in all of first class cabins, tucking it next to his precious necklace.

He glanced at it one last time before hiding it away; it was breathtaking, huge, sparkly and expertly crafted. The memory of Lydia gifting it to him must have been his favourite one of their times together, and the memory of him wearing it for Magnus, well... He would never forget that for as long as he lived, that much he knew. However, the thought he couldn’t get out of his head now was how much money he could get if he sold it in New York. It would be enough to live for a while, surely it would be a humble life, but it could be a life with _Magnus_...

They would be getting off this ship together, that much he knew. He couldn’t go back, and if he could, he didn’t want to. They would figure it out, surely. They would get the tiniest apartment and he could find a job as a clerk or a salesman, and Magnus could make money drawing portraits of tourists in Central Park. Alec smiled to himself. And then the day would draw to a close, and they would come back home, Alec’s face tired of constant smiling at annoying clients, Magnus’ fingertips permanently coloured for the charcoal, they would fall into each others’ arms and the world would disappear until the morning.

His musings came to a screeching halt when the door flew open and in came Maryse, fuming with rage.

“Alexander Gideon Lightwood, what do you _think_ you are doing?”

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” he kept his tone flippant as he spun the wheel of the safe to lock it.

“Don’t play coy with me, Alec. You were with that man again, doing God knows what, and then you ran from me like you were some misbehaving five-year-old.” Alec stayed silent. It wasn’t as if he could say anything that would make the situation better, not even if he wanted to—and he didn’t. She stalked closer and tugged his arm. “You have a duty to this family, son, don’t you dare forget that.”

It made him sick. “And what duty is that? To try and save the business that will go belly up sooner or later anyway? Or to marry a woman I don’t love, and never will, only to turn into my father and cheat left and right?” Maryse slapped him, hard.

The door opened and a man from the ship’s staff came in. “Good evening, I bring you captain’s orders. You are now required to put on the lifebelts and move to the main dining room. Are you alright, sir?” he addressed Alec. He nodded, keeping the reddening side of his face out of this man’s view. “Please put the lifebelts on immediately then. I wish you a pleasant evening,” he said and left the cabin.

 

* * *

 

Maryse tried to stay on his heels, but the bustle of the crowd in the dining room save him. He lost her not five minutes after they stepped in and hopefully she won’t find him for quite some time. He stood in a dark corner behind a pillar, hunched in on himself. Where was Magnus? Was he okay? How could he find him?

“Alec? What are you doing here?” He looked up to see Catarina. She had her lifebelt on and her perfect hair was somewhat mussed, but she still looked formidable. “What happened to you?” she asked, her eyes on his cheek.

He couldn’t tell her. He was a good son, a proper gentleman, and those things were not spoken of. He couldn’t, he couldn’t... “My mother hit me. We had a fight over my relationship with Magnus.”

Catarina didn’t say a word, but Alec suspected she knew exactly what kind of relationship he was talking about. She was so perceptive he felt as if he has been cut open.  “Where is Magnus now?”

“I have no idea.” He took a breath. He needed to talk to someone, maybe if he voiced what’s been in his head it would stop gnawing at him. “I’m so worried, Catarina. We were on deck when the ship hit the iceberg. It didn’t look pretty, and then they send us to our rooms and now this... This ship wasn’t meant to sink. I talked with one of its designers, and he said there were not nearly enough lifeboats for everyone and—”

“Relax, Alec, calm down. Everything will be fine. Let’s go find Magnus, shall we?”

 

* * *

 

Catarina was unstoppable. Alec would have not made it through the first staffer that tired to stop them from leaving the room; Catarina didn’t have any of it. She told them she would do as she pleased and pushed on. This was how they made it there, to the lower decks, when Catarina knew Magnus’ cabin was. The floor was already covered in a thin layer of water, and there was a full-blown panic going on.

Finally, Alec saw the unmistakable man of black hair. “Magnus!” The man turned immediately and  a smile bloomed on his face, albeit a tired one.

He pushed his way through to them. “Alec, what are you doing here? And Catarina?”

“What? Did you think captain’s orders would keep this boy away from you?” Alec ducked his head. “And who is this little princess?

That’s when Alec noticed a little dark-skinned girl hiding behind Magnus’ leg. “It’s Madzie. I met her here, she’s been travelling with her mom, but we can’t find here anywhere now.”

“Hello, Madzie,” said Catarina, crouching to bring herself to Madzie’s level. The girl looked at her warily. “I love your hair. Did your mother put those braids in?” The girl nodded. “I can’t wait until we get to America, I miss having my hair in braids.” She looked up at Magnus. “I can take care of her. Say she’s my own, if need be,” she said, voice like steel.

Magnus tried to say it’s too much, that he can’t ask this of her, but she wouldn’t hear it. “I want to do this, it’s no problem.”

With Madzie and Catarina off to find a safe place on the lifeboats, Magnus and Alec were left all alone. Alec pulled him in a dark nook and pressed a swift kiss to his lips. “We’ll make it, I promise,” he whispered against his lips. “I just found you, I can’t lose you.”

 

* * *

 

The smell was harsh and artificial, hurting his nose like thousands of tiny knives. The light hurt him no matter how little of his eyes he tried to open. His mind was fogged, but he needed to push forward. He needed to know what was happening. He worked his lids up and down in tiniest motions until light wasn’t as painful as before. He could see shapes, darker patches on the blinding, overwhelming lightness of the background, people-shaped patches. Was he in a—hospital? Someone sat next to him, he tried to focus on that. It was Lydia, and she must have realized he has awaken.

“Thank God, you’re okay,” she exclaimed, tugging his hand. Alec tried to speak; he moved his lips but no sound came out. “No, honey, don’t stray yourself. It will be time for talking later. Do you want some water?” Why was she calling him _honey_? How did he end up here? How long was he here? Where was—

“Magnus,” he croaked out, barely louder than a breath. They were on the lower decks, pressed together and then... No matter how much he tried, he couldn’t remember. Why couldn’t he remember...

Lydia stopped dead in her tracks, hand frozen halfway to the water jug. “I’m sure he drowned with the rest of the rats,” Maryse snapped, voice full of venom. Her eyes were tiny slits and her lips were trembling with barely contained fury. She stormed off, shutting the door behind her with so much force it was a miracle it didn’t fly off its hinges. Alec turned his eyes to the ceiling, letting the aged whiteness of it consume his every thought and feeling until there was nothing but numbness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY(stay tuned tho)  
> unbeta'd  
> comments and kudos make my heart flutter


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me? coming with an early update? who knew it was even possible

There were things happening, for sure. There had to be; Alec’s head wasn’t so big that he would believe the world would stop for him. But while the Earth might have been turning and tides might have been coming and going, Alec didn’t feel like a part of all that.

He barely spoke, except to doctors, and even then only as much as he had to. He slept most of the time, not only because he was recuperating and he could get away with it, but also because the dreams didn’t hurt.

The day he was realised, the whole family was there: Maryse, Lydia, Izzy, but also his father and Jace.

Jace could be unbearable on the best days, but now Alec wanted to be anywhere but there, stuck with him on a car ride home. Jace never picked up social cues, not really, so now instead of realizing that Alec needs peace and quiet, he kept rambling, telling anecdote after anecdote about his time in the Marine training or New York in general, and laughing at them himself when Alec didn’t provide him with a reaction.

That one time, Alec actually preferred his father. He barely said his greetings and kept his eyes away from Alec. Maryse must have told him everything. There would be a hell to pay, later, but for now, the strained silent treatment was a blessing in disguise.

The streets behind the car’s window were a bland blur. Alec vaguely remembered being excited to see New York again after so many years. He remembered loving the city as a tiny child; part of him hoped the place would bring him back to that state of mind. It didn’t, nothing would. Alec choked on a breath and hoped no one noticed. He had found something that was worth living for and he lost it forever.

All those days in a hospital he tried to remember what happened, but all that came to him were sensations. Magnus’ warm body, pressing close to him as they made promises they couldn’t keep. The panic surrounding them, people running erratically up and down the corridors, the freezing water all around them... The doctors told him it was pretty common with the Titanic sinking survivors and not to worry, the time is the best medicine.

On one hand, he wanted those memories to come back to him. He needed to remember every second he spent in Magnus’ presence, he couldn’t afford to lose even the smallest detail. But did he want to _know_? As long as he didn’t remember, he could fool himself as he was falling asleep, he could believe it was a mistake, that they will find each other miraculously. It kept his dreams full of hope instead of terrors.

His mother pulled him right back into the frenzy of preparing the wedding. He went obediently through the motions. He didn’t even have to voice opinions; Maryse would have the final say in everything no matter what – it had to be exactly the proper social spectacle she wanted.

Two days before the wedding, final preparatory discussions took longer than expected and Lydia had to stay overnight at the Lightwood residence. She ended up slipping into his room in the middle of the night, distractions on her mind, but Alec couldn’t. He couldn’t for more reason than the obvious one. He hated himself more than ever before.

She pulled him close and as they cuddled, he told her everything. Once he started talking, he couldn’t stop. His voice quickly became raw and hoarse, he got unused to using it so much. “I loved him, Lydia. I know it’s silly to say so since we knew each other for a handful or years, but I fell for him.” He sobbed into her shoulder until he fell asleep, with her caressing his hair.

He loved sleeping. In his dreams, Magnus was still by his side.

 

* * *

 

The church was old and stuffy. It looked well cared of, but to Alec it smelt like death and decay. Even the flower arrangements didn’t help; or maybe they were adding to the aura of decay as well.

He couldn’t stay still. Maryse kept shooting him reprimanding looks when he fidgeted with his cuff links, but that stopped him only for a moment. He watched people pour into the pews, all impeccably dressed and without doubt important. All gathered together to celebrate his misery.

After that and some solemn music, Lydia marched down the aisle. She looked stunning. It seemed like the right thing to think about your own bride. She stood in front of him and the ceremony began. Was thanking God for the dullness and repetitiveness of Christian sacraments blasphemous? He knew the damn thing by heart, he took part in fancy weddings way before he could spell his own name.

“Do you, Alexander Gideon Lightwood, take Lydia Helen Branwell to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

Alec took a breath. One final breath before there was no coming back. Before his life would be changed forever. Before he would have a wife and family and children and he would never feel a single thing ever again. He opened his mouth, answer ready on his lips—

The church’s door opened. The creak was akin to a raging thunder in the complete silence of the congregation. Alec looked down the aisle, more on instinct than anything else.

A ghost stood there.

Time seemed to slow down to halt. This wasn’t— This couldn’t be— He was dead and gone and Alec’s brain was playing mean tricks on him.

But all the heads in the church were turned towards the intruder. Every pair of eyes must have been fixed on the slender figure in a dark suit on the doorstep. This couldn’t be just Alec’s imagination then. It must be real.

But it _couldn’t be_.

He glanced at Lydia. She was speaking with that god-awful polite smile on her lips he always wanted to just rub off. He couldn’t hear a single word. He was trembling. He looked back on the intruder and the decision was made.

He took his hand from Lydia’s grasp and stepped down from the dais.

He saw his mother stand up, but he no longer cared. He crossed the entirety of the church in fewer strides he would have thought possible. The ghost didn’t dissolve into thin air. Didn’t flicker in and out of existence like a mirage or a cheap trick. He looked material and real, more and more so with Alec’s every step.

He took his lapels in his fists, pulling him into his chest with far more force than necessary. He was hard and solid against him, very unlike any ghost. His eyes were darkened and sparkly at the same time – was that humanly possible?

Alec had to know. He _had to_ and somehow this seemed like the only reasonable way to know for sure. So he pulled the ghost in and kissed him with all he had.

And the ghost kissed him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did you REALLY think i could do angst?   
> tune in next monday for an epilogue(i can't believe it's ending!)  
> unbeta'd  
> comments and kudos are the best thing you can give me!


	15. Epilogue

It’s been so many, many years, Alec thinks as he watches a news report about some research crew using an intricate robot to explore what was left of the _ship of dreams_.

Why are people still obsessing over that damn ship and throwing away money at those useless researchers? What more is there to find? If they still have questions, they are more than welcome to pay him to give them answers.

Well, more probably pay Magnus _._ Even after all that time and more therapy that one thought is possible to have in one lifetime, he still doesn’t remember much of that night. Apparently, there is this thing called traumatic experience and it can result in memory loss. Knowing that didn’t solve the issue, but at least now Alec is at peace with it.

And he had Magnus to fill in the blanks. It’s weird, knowing what happened but not remembering it. He only has an outside perspective of something that happened to _him_. So he knows about them joining the crowds in their desperate search of means of survival. He knows of them dangling from the edge of the stern as the ship broke in two and then finally of them drifting together on a huge wooden panel that looked like it once decorated some fancy first class suite.

And he knows, because he forced Magnus to admit it, that Alec was asleep when one of the rescue boats came around. Magnus put unconscious Alec on it and, upon making sure he’s safe, threw himself back into that icy hell to help save more people. By the time he reached the shore, Alec was already nowhere to be found, claimed by his family and recuperating in some hospital they refused to name because Magnus wasn’t family.

Alec prefers not to think about what his life would have been like if Magnus didn’t pick up the newspaper with the marriage announcement.

“Researchers kindly ask anyone who may have any information about the person in the picture to contact them.” This pulls Alec out of his thoughts. He gasps when he sees the drawing. There _he_ is, lounging on that settee, the emerald resting on his muscled chest, so comfortable, so confident, so visibly _in love_... He thought he would never see the drawing again, that it was forever lost in the icy waters of the Atlantic. 

“You looked so good that night, darling,” says Magnus as he enters the room. “I still don’t know how I managed not to ravish you on the spot.”

Alec lets out a little amused huff of breath and looks at his lover, as fetching with his silver hair as he was with raven in his youth. “Please, as if you have ever had me before building so much anticipation I begged for it.” He stares back at the screen, still showing the drawing in some water-filled container. “Do you think we should contact them?”

“It should be your decision, my love. It would be nice to have it back.”

“I doubt they would give it back. Besides, I have you.” He motions Magnus to come closer. He takes his talented hand and kisses it gently. “It’s not like I lack my portraits done by your hand.”

“What can I say, you are my greatest muse,” Magnus says. He sits by Alec’s side and kisses him, slow and sweet. “You are not wearing that fancy gem in any of them, though.”

“It was pretty, yes, but it can never see the light of day again as far as I’m concerned. With the exception of that one moment, it represented only the worst of what my life was like. Besides, we have more important things to take care of than being interviewed by a bunch of marine nerds.”

 

* * *

 

It took so long, but finally, the world moved on and now, they can get married. Granted, they had to go to Vermont and get onto a ridiculously long waitlist, but still. Same sex couples, just like them, are flocking to the state, crying as they receive what felt impossible for so long.

It's the anniversary of the best night of his life – or what he thought was the best night of his life, before Magnus gifted him almost a century of the best days and nights, one after another. It feels right to get married on this day. Granted, since it’s marrying Magnus it would feel right to marry him whenever, but especially so today. They made extra sure to show each other their love on this day every year for almost a century, so this is just something new to do together.

Only Madzie is here, out of all the people that were on board with them, only she is still around. On the surface, it’s silly to look at this wrinkled, distinguished lady with a halo of silver hair and see the tiny, scared child he met that fateful day, but once you look closer, you can see the mischief twinkling in her eyes and heaps of pure, all-consuming love for the world and the people around her. Alec has never met a sweeter, more compassionate person in his life; and he lived a long one.

It’s a simple affair with very few people and quite a lot of bittersweet empty chairs, reserved for those who deserved to see it happen, but from whom life took that opportunity away. It’s the furthest thing from his wedding-that-wasn’t and he couldn’t be happier.

They link hands as they make way to the officiator.

“We are gathered here today to celebrate the joining of two souls so full of love it conquered more than seemed possible. _Love conquers all_ \- it’s said so much it became a cliché, but in this case, it’s simply the truth.”

Tears roll down their faces as they exchange the vows, their hands shake so much it’s difficult to put on the rings, but as they kiss amongst the clapping they realize they have never been happier. They have come so far to be where they are; they didn’t just reach the stars, they became them; binary stars, keeping each other safe and stable through whatever the universe tried to throw at them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe the fic is over, after so long... Thank all of you for reading, commenting and supporting me throughout all of this.  
> unbeta'd  
> <3 <3 <3


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